I am still struggling with believing in myself. On a previous post, I wrote about working on my self love. I have to add: I need to work on believing in myself to stand alone in my journey. I have been emotional lately since my roommate leaving. Thinking about my unknown future and the journey I have ahead of me. I think because I am not patient. Sometimes, I want to skip the journey and get to the good parts already.
The old thoughts
I’ve been thinking about those that hurt me and those that do not see me ever becoming successful and even my family thinks I will end up like my roommate. They do not say it but, they imply it. Sometimes, I rather hear the straight up truth. If you imply things, you mind as well say what is on your mind.
I’ve brought back some negativity around me with this negative thinking. And the fact that I know there are lots of people who like to see me fail even more than I have. People can be so cruel.
So now, even with the hurt feelings all this thinking has brought me to wonder:
How do I let go? How do I release the old?
All those things that people think about me. How do I let go of the emotions that rise from feeling all this? I am still hurt from my friends betrayal. I am hurt that no one is sorry for doing any wrongs towards me or saying wrongs about me. How do I release this?
I have done some inner healing and now, I have to release what no longer serves me which are these thoughts that repeatedly come up. Same rising thoughts about people who have done wrong to me.
And since I am at a place where nothing is happening for me. I guess I can call it a void. I am in a void. It makes me more emotional. Today I almost lost it with my dad. I am trying to stay calm while I accept where I am at.
I am actually upset with myself that I almost lost it with people in the house listening. It reminds me of the things I used to do to create drama when I was living with my parents at a younger age. That was a disappointing time. I was close to going backwards.
The fact that I am holding on to the hurt that people have done to me is creating this toxic energy within me. I just do not know how to let it go.
Meditation helps ground me yet the emotions are not released. Something to work on along with self-love. It is easy to say work on self-love and release than it is to actually do it.
I feel all I have been doing is holding in emotions and they are coming back out as anger. Anger that I do not know how to change anything in my life right now. It is tough to build confidence with that lingering in your mind. However, it is doable. It is a shift I have to make myself.