Forgiveness has been such a tough one. This post is harder for me to write because it is very personal. It is hard to be comfortable writing about things that traumatize me when there are so much worse out there. But, this is my journey.
I’ve been seeing the birthdays of those that betrayed me often. I am unsure why I see their numbers. Its weird to say this I know. One of them – their birthday is September 14th so I see 914. Often. I try not to post spiritual stuff here because some people see it as evil or something along these lines. But, this is my truth. I am going to tell it as truthfully as I can about my journey. But, I will keep it light here.
I am writing this post because I have been having nightmares about these people coming back into my life and resuming things as they were. In fact, the dreams are about their return but making things work as if back to a time when things were lighter and less manipulative. In the dreams, I try to run away from them but, everywhere I turn, they reappear in front of me and resume what they were telling me. I can’t seem to outrun them in my dreams.
This is telling me my mind is not in forgiveness yet. I am unsure if I can forgive myself as well. Forgiving has been hard. Almost every night, I have dreams about them. It could be repressed fears coming back to the surface.
My two former friends were toxic, unforgiving and manipulative people. One was worse than the other and they put me through so much trauma that it makes forgiving so difficult. The worst one was more manipulative than the other. She was more intelligent in psychology. She knew I was uncomfortable with myself. So, she would choose ways to pick at my sexuality for example and tell me how I appear Lesbian for example. I am straight. She used that to tell me why no one male wants me but, females. She haunted me with that for many years. She even used the other friend to send me naked photos and hit on me. I am sure it was an inside joke for them. I knew it was a manipulative play but, she kept insisting it was real. The other friend is Bisexual I believe and she used this to her advantage to manipulate me and make me feel powerless. She used many ways to manipulate my power away from me. She made me feel like I needed her to guide me. She would keep me busy with anxiety so I would call her and never have the time to think for myself. So, when I called her, she would calm me down and slowly ease into more fear and more manipulation. At the end, she would tell me its all my fault. That I created it for myself. She would go in circles. All carefully crafted in her mind. That must be fun for someone so manipulative.
Thanks to Covid I had more time for myself to think when lockdown first started last year in March and not be distracted by manipulation. So, I broke free from this. However, all the manipulative play in all sectors of my life that I lack in, she used it on me to take away all my power. Love and sexuality, money and abundance, friends and relationships and et cetera. It was as if she kept playing me to keep me in the lack mindset. I was already negative and gullible, so it was easy to do the rest.
The manipulative friend did so good in her damage that I developed health ailments such as high blood pressure, anxiety and now trauma in my psyche with frequent nightmares- possible PTSD. In my mind, all the manipulation was so real. When I talked about forgiving myself earlier in the post I meant forgiving myself for believing all that manipulation. Forgiving myself for trusting these so-called friends. I don’t have kids of my own or a loving significant other, so I trusted my “friends”. Instead, all the trust I gave them was turned against me. This has made me extremely cautious of meeting people.
She knew people found me weird and I have no one else to turn to. She loved using that against me.
The Positive Side
The positive side of all this is that I did overcome all this. And although, I am so thankful I am away from all this. I seem to have a harder time letting it go. The memories come back time to time when I try to move forward.
I am working on keeping myself busy. So, I can build happier experiences to overcome the old traumatic stuff. It is not so easy because I am not so busy as I want to be. Maybe once traveling is safer I will go somewhere and get away from my home. That may be something I need right now.
Back to Forgiveness
As far as forgiveness, pressure in my chest and rising feelings of anger when I see “9:14”. Maybe it is a test, to keep looking at it until I feel nothing but peace. I hope that day comes. Only time will allow me to heal.
I don’t know how people who go through terrible trauma and rise above it. Those who are going through their own darkness, I pray for them and hope they persevere and live the beautiful life they deserve!
“The biggest obstacle you’ll ever have to overcome is your mind. If you can overcome that, you can overcome anything.” -Unknown Author but this is extremely true.
Now if I can strengthen my self-love which I know I have BUT, I can use some more. I will continue to work on that.
“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”- Louise Hay
Some things take longer than others to do. A work in progress…
Forgiveness is important in my journey at this time. It may even change my life. Forgiving myself for being odd. Forgiving myself for being with these people for so long. I knew they were toxic. It’s not like this was something that I found out years later. Forgiving myself for being so self-destructive. Forgiving these past friends for all that they have done to me. Forgiving my family for not believing in me. Forgiving my parents for sending me down the negative path I went.
I am slowly telling myself that this was the hard lesson I needed to learn the error of my ways. I never woke up to harsh truths about myself and my life. They were showing me what I didn’t want to face about myself. I am trying to forgive myself for facing these things late in my life however, I get to have a second chance and work through them. Regardless, my life is now different from before meeting them. I have some wisdom to guide me even though, I am alone. This experience has given me a “workbook” to light the way towards my future.
It is a powerful lesson.
Anyway, onwards with more soul searching I go! Until, next time. Have a good day or night.