Lost at age 37.


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I read so much on the internet about being lost in your 20s. 

So, meet me!! 

I am lost at age 37.

It is absolutely all my fault. I’ve lead my life astray and now I have to line it up towards a better life. Anyone who’s read this blog beginnings understand why. I spent most of my 20s manipulated by passive- aggressive narcissistic people I called my friends. I believed in their manipulation and that I owed my life to serving them with my pay checks. I am a great judgement of character! Anyway, that is a brief summary.

Am I a horrible person? Maybe. I put myself through hell. I messed up my health working like a dog to please these people. Instead, it was never ending and they kept stepping up the “challenges”. Years of my life was stolen and they were probably snickering about me behind my back as they were creating schemes and “challenges” to keep me enslaved. I believed I was helping these people.

It is my fault. I was a toxic person myself and not just them. I let myself attach to these people because I have no other friendships. I had no good people to guide me in life. 

I am trying to get over those days. I am free now due to Covid. Covid was a slight blessing for me. It isolated me from those people and I cut free. Thank the heavens! 

Now I am starting over. 

Before being “enslaved” by my friends, I was already confused and unsure of my future. I went to school for art but changed my mind. Then, I attended school for interior design but changed my mind. I felt I didn’t fit in. 

I am not exactly a normal person. I am writing all this stuff about myself without posting photos of myself. One day maybe. I do not have the courage to expose myself. I am a real person with feelings which is why I am hiding behind my words only.

 I will admit this.

 I am super flawed and I am working on improving my flaws. The worst one is socializing. Ugh. The dreaded socializing. My brain draws blank when it comes to talking. 

I clearly have a brain because I can type so much in my blog and say so much here. Interactive chatting with back and forth conversation though, it becomes a challenge? Am I retarded? 

Being introverted sucks! People dislike you. You have no connections for anything so you end up struggling for a single good thing in life. Talking is a fear! Anyway, let me stop here. You have my point. Life is better through socializing and reaching out to others! There is a warmth there. I am slowly starting to see it. Even online support is better than none. Sometimes you can post something on social media and have numerous support. That’s if you are daring to expose yourself. A true introvert does not like to reveal anything about themselves. Privacy is king! 

Anyway, my point with all that stated is that socializing gets you places in life. In a time like this, promoting yourself is fantastic for jobs. 

Meeting likeminded people keeps you sane. For now, I will have to keep myself sane. Anyone read my last post about my recent jobs. Finding a good boss is tough for me. I am horrible at judgement. Am I being too hard on myself? I think I’ll keep to myself for a while. All the pain I continue to put myself through is enough. I do continue to send out resumes and look for more interview opportunities. I still have to do my best! Maybe one day I will find something that is right for my needs and skill set. Being hopeful here. A part of manifesting is the action followed by belief. 

Life is so tough. 

It is never easy. Even having the simplest life is tough. 

When I was a kid I had high hopes for myself. I would have my dream career by now, a soulmate husband and family of 2 kids, a house of my own and a car. I had some gut feeling I was going to struggle. Yet, I kept dreaming. 

First sign I knew my life would be hard. I struggled to get jobs as a teen. Gap wouldn’t even hire me. One manager threw my resume in the garbage the minute I started walking away. This was back in the early 2000’s. I’ve always struggled. I finally found my first job was at age 26!! It took me such a long time to get int somewhere. People never wanted to be around me because I didn’t trend like others. I myself wasn’t a trend. People saw that vibe and just stayed away. 

I struggled in school because I never had support from other students. I purposely stayed alone because of this. Other students would work together on projects and I only supported myself. Yet, I still pushed on and completed projects on my own. I figured out the hard stuff on my own. In interior design, you had to present projects with model versions of your plans. So, as a new student, you figure out how to make one. The professor can only do so much in guiding you. The rest is up to you. I am not the smartest kid on the block but I made it work somehow. 

Funny thing, there were other loners out there. Yet, I was different from others. People can pick up if you are different from others. They tend to dislike those people. I was always that different one. Of course, me! (Sigh.) Lucky for me, I was never heavily bullied. It was subtle. Thank heavens! But the isolation by others hurt. Being looked at different hurt. 

I was an overweight kid. I was quiet, not approachable and hard to look at. When I spoke, people disliked it. So, I kept quiet. I thought it was best for me. I was wrong! Instead, I blocked myself from learning how to socialize and defend myself when I needed to. I lack the power to be confident and achieve confronting people when necessary. I am a lover not a fighter. I stayed neutral which kept myself as a person from progressing as a human. 

I let the empathy I had for other peoples opinion of me keep me down. I had no empathy for myself! People can smell a weakling from a mile away. I stayed out of peoples way. But, my emotions were held in. I didn’t know how to voice my frustrations. That lead to a horrible teen phase! 

Anyone with introverted kids, I hope you do a talk session with them daily and have them voice anything they keep to themselves! Especially your teens. Show them all the love they need! ❤️❤️❤️

1:41pm- Took a break from writing this post. I was emotionally turning negative and I didn’t want to have that in my post. I am trying to be honest but cheery at the same time. I went out to grab a snack and went for a quick walk at the park. It’s gorgeous outside! I feel so much better. Emotions are wonderful to serve as motivators for writing but sometimes, the emotion is too unhealthy. So, I had a short mental check here.😀)

My mother was a depressed woman. As a kid you don’t know anything about that kind of stuff. I did sense she was different than other mothers. She didn’t want to socialize with others. She was always angry at me. She would get aggressive over the smallest thing. We fought a lot because I learned how to be aggressive and angry like her too. At home of course. At school, I was a lovely quiet little overweight angel! My mother was working as well as taking care of me. She was under alot of pressure.  

I learned alot of my current mental behaviors from my mom. Sadly, my moms mental health turned for the worse. Is it my fault? I don’t really speak to my mom about her mental health. She’s an Asian mom and old school at that. Old school Asian moms do not acknowledge mental health. It’s hush hush. Oh mom! 

My mom had to be put on psych meds because of her mental health. The psychologist who prescribed her the meds didn’t take into account her heart condition. It’s not an intense one. The doctors are not concerned. Her heart rate slows down once in a while. However, her psych meds slowed her heart rate more one Friday morning and she passed out hitting her head in the bathroom 4:00am in the morning. 

My mom is fine now. Just that she was admitted to a psych ward after her ER visit unfortunately. She has emotional distress from an encounter with a racist neighbor a year ago. She wouldn’t let it go and it created her emotional distress. Emotional health is so important! She’s on the right kind of medications now and is doing so much better!!! What a difference! She still has her symptoms but, she is so improved! I am relieved. 

I realized in the last year or so how emotional health can affect one’s quality of life so much! My mom is at retirement age. She should be focused on retirement activities not fearing racist neighbors (who moved away by the way! )

Reflecting on myself, I have become exactly like my mother! My mental thinking patterns are the same! Absolutely negative and it goes into repetitive loops. 

In a previous post, I talked about affirmation journals and gratitude journals I started to improve my mental health! It does work. However, I put it on hold because of my recent exhausting jobs. 

I know this much about what I want in life:

I don’t want to have an uneven work life balance. I want work to be work and I am able to clock out at the end of my shift. Work stays at work. 

Nursing is a great profession at this day to go into because of high demand. However, I don’t want to spend my older years in life studying to death anatomy & physiology and lose time in my daily life. 

Part of this is because I spent most of my 37 years sulking on negative thoughts and fantasizing over things I can’t have. My negativity took over my life. It lead me to doubt myself and the directions I took my life. I let negativity tell me what to do in life. My thoughts held me a prisoner for so many years. I am at a point in life where I want to be more free!! 

I couldn’t figure it out before why I don’t want to spend so much time in school. I don’t want to spend too much time studying. My mental health has been exhausting! Before I was enslaved by my “friends”, my mind enslaved me. I am seeking freedom! I want to walk around bored with a short to-do list on my day and enjoy the beauty of my day. I didn’t do this before age 36. I stayed at home sulking over situations and moments that past. My mind wrapped around situations over and over again. It’s over, let it go. My mind kept me away from enjoying my life!

Work– Even a simple day at work can still be exhausting. You experience exhaustion from staring at the computer all day long doing data entry. Dealing with a crazy boss takes a toll on you. I would come home exhausted but relieved to get away from that boss I just quit. 

I seek a simple work life balance with some work enjoyment. I spent time at a job that I hated but my coworkers were the reason I stayed. We were there for each other no matter our background or if I was quiet or extroverted. We understood the pain we went through at a busy Doctors office. We helped each other. I seek that again! 

Anyway, so here I am lost in life. I tried a medical career but, the basic jobs are tough now. Employers are not easygoing as they say they are and they expect you to do 3 peoples jobs at minimum wage. A real medical career as a nurse takes schooling. Health care is changing. Health insurance in America is expensive. You pay a high monthly premium but you have a high deductible towards your medical. The high deductible means you are not covered by the insurance until you pay off that deductible. This varies by insurance plans. The older insurance plans are slightly different(hard to explain). Basically, all the new insurance plans means high medical debt. However, you need medical insurance for a heart attack or if you are having a baby because without insurance a hospital stay can add up to a million dollars!!! Start taking your health seriously. Go jogging. Eat a healthy balanced diet. Keep your blood pressure in check and your blood sugar in check because the doctors don’t get paid well by insurance companies and they care even less about you! Doctors overbook so they can meet a quota in their office to pay that rent and electricity bill. 

Enough ranting. The Medical world will be changing. I don’t know what that means for jobs like front desk. I depend on those jobs! 

What else can I do? I need to find a steady income. A lot of thinking to do.

2 thoughts on “Lost at age 37.”

  1. I’m 38 and I still feel as lost as I was in my twenties. I think we as humans never truly figure it out. Some just hide it better than others. Thanks so much for sharing this, as I can relate. Keep on keeping on!

    Like

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