Ah December! It is the ending of the year and also my birthday month! Yey!! I had ups and downs this year and struggled. I tried hard not to compare myself to those around me which was hard. I have written a post about being lost at age 37 in which I still do feel this way. I’ve been binge watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix so, not much soul searching, haha.
In which, the show reminded me why I stopped watching so many years ago. I do love the story but, the characters were all way too dramatic. I am a very emotional person and even for me the characters can be over the top but, it made it a good show.
Since it is the end of the year, I have been pondering about my 2021 experience. I have been thinking about my goals I set for myself this year and if I did a good job. Maybe I am being harsh in judging my year this way. I think I had some movements, and definitely had some struggles. It is a slow year for me.
One of my goals this year was to return to school for medical assisting. That didn’t go well at all. One program required an entrance exam because it was competitive. I didn’t get in. I tried a different school with a medical assisting program and that failed too due to lack of registered students. I ended up just going back to school for a bachelor’s degree. I didn’t get in full time as I hoped since I had register issues. When I finally cleared those issues, most of the courses were filled. I had quite a struggle with schooling.
Another goal was to get back into the workforce which was also a fail. I lost job opportunities because I was trying to schedule work around school which employers are not nice about it even though they claim they are. I do not have a professional job so, my options are retail positions or front desk positions. I have to say these jobs are high demand jobs that do not care about your personal life. They pay you low and want you to break your back for them with 5 years of experience. I also dealt with toxic employers which I wrote about in a previous post. I can dedicate another personal post about my job experiences but, I will not. I am keeping it simple. I know so many people have horrible jobs out there so people can relate. Bottom line is working for someone else sucks!
I am still searching for the ‘right job’ but, it has to give me work/life balance so I can work on my personal goals and the employer shouldn’t play mind games. So, not only do bosses want to give you shit pay for all your experience and work you to the bone with 10 hour shifts, 30 minute unpaid breaks, no healthcare benefits or any benefits but, they have to play sick games because their own life is boring. I don’t have time for that! And all bosses think your job is easy. Well, they can do it themselves.
Okay, got a bit emotional there! Maybe letting out some steam will clear out some bitterness.
I am still in quarantine mode since it’s only just me. My class is a hybrid class so, I am mostly at home. I only go out if I need to do errands or groceries. New York is slightly back to normal. Everyone is out and about, going to concerts, bars or movies. I went to target today and I noticed they removed the six feet apart signs. So, slightly back to normal.
Some slight changes. After Target, I went to a grocery store nearby and was treated like a criminal. I had to show my receipt to prove my innocence. I never been so offended in my life!! The cashier still looked at me in disgust as if she knows I stole something but, she can’t prove it. What’s wrong with people? Or do I have a doppelganger they have an image of stealing? I did the passive aggressive thing and went on google to write a bad review about my bad experience. I felt really dirty after the situation.
Maybe I should go back to online purchasing.
Anyway, I have some ups and downs this year. Some good moments and bad ones. My mother’s decline in physical and mental health was another bad one this year. It brought me down a lot. I have been worrying about how to care for her. I have family who watchers her but, her mental decline goes up and down.
It also made me admit to my own mental health. It is not all so great. To be honest, I think I am super sensitive about stuff and take it too personal. So, I can work it out. I’ve thought about therapy but, I’ve done therapy as a teenager. It was a bad experience and do not feel the need or want to go back to therapy. Anytime, I felt sad, my therapist wanted me to go on more pills. The pills did nothing for me except suppress my emotions. This does nothing to help you improve your life. That is a whole other post to write about. I do believe medicine can be of great help in mental health but, not for every person who says they feel sad.
This year could have been better. Maybe I could have done a bit more. Maybe I could’ve gone outside the neighborhood to a museum and be normal. One thing I go back to is how grateful I am to have the support I do have, the home I have, clean water, clean clothes, and any other means to support myself. Maybe I am lost at 37 but, not completely lost. I have a permanent address. I own a computer. I have internet. I have family that still care for me despite my bad past with them. Without all this, I would have nothing. I didn’t satisfy my goals list the way I wanted to but, I did start on some things to better myself. Also, this blog that I had for almost a year. I thought I would have only 5 readers by the end of this year, but I have more than that! A big thank you!
I do not drink alcohol but, if I did, I would have a glass of wine to drink to this. This is a great cause for celebration!
(P.S. This may not be my last post of the year. So, please expect more from me before the year ends)