Moving forward in acceptance

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What a lovely morning after a full moon night. I saw the moon round and bright last night! I had the perfect view of it. I had the clearest view outside my window! Usually, I don’t like full moons because my former friends would use it as an opportunity to create more “challenges” to collect my money. Traditionally, the full moon means crazy things happening. I guess symbolically they thought this was funny. That was one giveaway that had me think their “scheme” was fake and not real. Anyway, moving on.

Yesterday, I had a feeling of new energy. New beginnings rising. Not from staring out my window at the full moon but I feel it as a nice feeling of something new arriving. I am looking forward to it. It’s nice to have this feeling of hope inside. I have been so negative but I am learning to accept what I can and can not control on my life. 

Letting go and realizing you can’t control things in life is hard. I’m so used to worrying and creating false stress for myself that this new skill in “acceptance” is a tough one. 

Acceptance is not going against the occurrences in your life. It is about realizing that not everything will go your way and that is okay. Life is tough. Life is full of people, things and events that can alter an outcome of something in your life. Accept all that arrives in your life. Any decision you make should help you forward to your end goal whichever it may be. However, any negativity or thought that keeps you from your happiest is resistance. Release all negative, sad, depressing, critical thoughts. Live in the moment. 

Stop and sit for a second. What is happening around you right now? That is your current moment. Live in the moment and make proper decisions to move forward. Is it time to make breakfast? Go cook it up in the kitchen! Is it time to take out the garbage? Go deal with that stinky mess! Are you currently unwinding with a book? Enjoy your reading for the 30 minutes you give to your book. 

Yes, there is stress that will come in. The news talks about food shortages all over the nation and possible fears of shortages for the holidays. I can fall into the fear or I can check out the reality. Walk around my favorite stores. Do I see any shortages? Thankfully, my stores are stocked with the basics that I need and that is enough! 

I can worry about the hike in food prices and any product sold in stores for that matter but, I can be smart about my money! Creating a list of necessary items and items that I want for the sake of wanting. And looking at my budget. The decision to prep myself will save me stress. 

Speaking of buying, I just bought myself an Amazon Kindle Fire which went on an early Black Friday sale. I couldn’t help it. I have been wanting a tablet for so long. I can read my ebooks and magazines online in convenience. I made this decision since I saw a sale, I decided to go for it. Right now, I have the budget to go do it. I love technology upgrades! Energy draining for the environment but, I will try to conserve! 

This decision also has been made because in the past I was prevented from getting things I wanted because I “owed” money to my manipulative “friends”. This purchase makes me happy. No one can manipulate me now! I own power to what I can and can not do! It’s an exciting freedom! Choosing to be in my own power feels great. 

Not everything is perfect for me and there are still people trying to use manipulation to get to me but, I can choose to give my energy into it or choose to block it out of my life. My intention will be seen with my actions. Looking back, I fell into the manipulation of alot of people including old bosses who use me and this shall be no more. It is so subtle that I easily fall into it. People can be tricky tricksters to get what they want! I am learning to recognize it and either I chose to confront it or I can chose and just drop it and move on. This is a new thing I will get into. I am not perfect at it yet. But, practice makes perfect! 

I release the old and look forward to the new! My happiness will be managed moving forward. I intend to become aware in my thoughts and change out my negative thoughts into positive ones. Thanks for reading! 

Clearing away challenges

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Just when you think it’s over a new challenge pops up. I have been going through my days with anxiety lately. I even feed my anxiety with caffeine which creates a bigger ball of anxiety in my chest. I know how caffeine works for me which is not good and I still go for that cup of coffee. It just smells so good! The smell of delicious coffee is so addicting for me.

My problems always seem to be minor or as my family sees it, I dig myself in this hole. Then, I must do it daily to myself. I have a beautiful day and then a challenging following day. Makes me think how I should enjoy the better days more! My family sees me as a screw up which is understandable but, it keeps me from turning to them for help.

So, I challenge myself to go through this alone.

Okay not really, I tried to turn to someone else for advice but, that failed. It is my life and I should make my own choice. This is a good lesson for me to learn how deal with difficulties with confidence. Mentally, I am thinking, “Gosh, why do I have to deal with this?

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Taking nature walks to clear my head. This cold weather makes it harder to go outside for walks. I love walks because it is exercise and getting out the house clears away my negative thoughts. I still try to make it outside before the weather hits 20 degrees. I have to push myself to get out the door. I tell myself that it will help me mentally.

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My next anxiety attack came on this evening. So, I decided to meditate to keep my anxiety from getting worse. Breathing exercises does amazing things in calming the mind. I did a 10 minute breathing exercise to bring me back to a relaxed state. I also hope, as I do this breathing exercise, I can find some wisdom to handle my current challenge.

What is this challenge? Another manipulative old boss contacting me regarding some old business. He was worse than the boss I recently quit. Is there a relation between the two? Hmm. He took advantage of his power and tried to manipulate me. One thing I hate about telling people I have no kids and no husband is that people think I am an open case for easy manipulation. I have to admit, I opened myself up to this type of behavior in the past.

In other words, I allowed it.

He tried to get what he wanted which was try to wrap me around his finger. I am not into confrontation or a good talker for that matter so, I prefer to stay away. But, two years later, he tries to do it again through an email. Well, this this I have to drop the “business” and let it go. I do not want what you have to offer if you want to play games for me to get it. That means I am better off without this “business”.

That is my decision. Moving forward, my life is about having good things come into my life. This is a lesson on what is important to me and what is not. I am looking to attract better. Not these manipulative people seeking to hook onto to someone who they perceive as “weak”. I have alot of these types of people come into my life which is showing me to change all of that. I consistently bring in this energy. I am not looking for it yet, it continues to come to me.

I am looking for articles online and books on anything to change this energy. Let’s bring better.

Good signs from the Universe

My life is not exactly put together but, something I am doing is working well. 

In the afternoon, I decided to go out for some light grocery shopping. I just wanted some fresh fruits to add to my day. As I leave the house, I feel the beauty of the day and almost walk past a stack of cash on the ground two houses away from my home. I pick it up! 

It is perfect! It’s just amazing timing! I didn’t even look at the cash. I just took it with me to the grocery and at the cashier, I open the rolled stack and there was $14. It’s a beautiful thing because my total came up to just under $13. It’s almost as if the Universe provided it for me and knew the right amount to send me.

I do know magical things happen all the time.   


Is it just my lucky day? Depends on perspective. I like to see it as a sign from the Universe! 

The Universe knows I need a whole lot of miracles. Of course I have to work on myself as I receive these miracles. I do not expect things to be provided for me. In fact, I’ve always had to work harder for something as someone else would have it easier. It is only recently, I decided to change my thought. 

I wanted to train myself to think that life can be easy. 

Coming back from deeply low emotions for two weeks, brought me new found positivity. I am not even sure where I am getting this feeling of hope from. I just tell myself that I can’t give up on myself. I seek better for me because I am worthy of it. I am so fortunate to have more than the less fortunate. I should train myself to be happier. 

There are people in poor countries living with trash sent over from other countries including the one I live in. Yet, they find happiness! That is true wealth! Living within your means and enjoying life. There is only one life! Worry when you need to but, be happy as often as you can!  Beauty in life is how you make it! Artists constantly make beauty out of nothing. So, anyone can train themselves to create a life of happiness. 

I have returned to decluttering. I sadly admit to shopping again since discovering thredup. I decided to edit and remove any excess that I have. I am currently training myself to be happy with what I already own. I constantly go back to thinking a purchase will make me happy. Absolutely not. I have items in my wardrobe now that doesn’t go with the theme I created last year for my clothes. I just wanted to buy it. 

I am relearning to be more thoughtful of what I bring in. 

My anxiety has increased again, so I resort to my old habits to ease myself. It actually does the opposite. I start to have buyers remorse again which is the main reason I originally decided to declutter last year. Upon realizing this, I jumped into editing myself. I have to examine myself. I see that going back to my old habits causes more anxiety. The opposite of what I wanted. It’s a constant thing to keep awareness of your own habits. Is it helping? Or is it hurting?

Going back to decluttering feels great! It feels like some weight lifted off me. I strive to be happy as I am. At this moment, my internal self is incomplete. This is the cause of my unhappiness. 

On the other hand, I continue my hopeful purchases to increase my intention for a job interview. I updated my interview outfit for the just in case moment. I bought a nice work blazer from the thrift store. It fits perfectly! I had to get it. I updated my interview shoes. I am just showing the Universe I am still interested in the right job when the opportunity arrives. 

As I continue to battle my anxiety, I seek ways to change my thinking. I live near green space so, I constantly seek wisdom from the grass and trees. It is fall here and the colors of the leaves are gorgeous. The beauty in nature just redirects my negative focus to something better. It’s not exactly positive but, I shifted my thinking. That is a great start. 

Continue with the good work. Here’s my simple, quick list:

  1. being hopeful
  2. Actions with positive intention
  3. Shifting out of the negative loop
  4. My gratitude and affirmations
  5. Believe that you will be provided for as you seek what you are seeking

Signs from the Universe gives me more motivation to keep on doing what I am doing. 

Believe that all will be okay. Continue with positive actions. This pandemic has created challenges to our modern lives but, we are resilient people! We have survived the Black Plague, the Spanish flu, Ebola, World Wars, etc. Live in love and please ❤️ the beautiful Earth ✌🏻

Thanks for reading! I seek to help others as I help myself. So many people are battling anxiety, stress and worry about their futures. Seek happiness in now. I think this pandemic is an excellent way to slow down and be mindful. People are in a rush to go back to the hussle of everyday modern life. I think many are starting to see our modern lives are not exactly the most comfortable way of life. So much modern life yet we work under so much pressure to have it. We spend more time at work than we do at home. It’s tough changing a mindset but it can be done. Your life is how you see it. If you can change that negative thought, your life will change. This is my aim to begin my day with this thought. 

Chilly morning but, accepting everyday will be different

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Everyday is a new beginning. The weather this morning is cooler than yesterday. Everyday can bring new delights or new challenges.

A part of my current challenges is accepting change.

I am so used to my comfort zone that accepting new things that make me uncomfortable just gives me intense anxiety. 

These are not exactly changes that I am creating for myself. It is changes that are happening in my life. Thankfully, these new situations coming into my life are happening slowly. I think I would have a panic attack if they happened all at once. 

My heart beats so fast it feels like my breathing will slow down a bit. 

I remind myself to breathe in and out. 

I remind myself that things are okay. 

I am safe. 

I remind myself to take things in slowly so I can pace myself as I deal with my situations.

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Another practice I reduced was my meditation. Meditation helps so much! Something else to go back to. I rely on myself now which is tough. I know, life is all about making decisions for yourself. So, my decisions means actions that have good or bad consequences. I doubt myself so much. Am I making the right ones for myself? I’ve messed up so often throughout my life. Will I screw up again?

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Next, assignment for myself is to work on my self-esteem. I tried to do it on my own but, I need some kind of assistance. I have recently discovered that libraries have gone digital. I am SO looking forward to reading as much self-help books as possible!!! 

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Managing my life right correctly is in my list of to-dos. I am just not sure which direction to take it on. I realize I am still a hot mess. I have to pick up my pieces and put them together so I can see some kind of organization in my life. 

I am currently reading, “50 Mindful Steps to Self-Esteem” by Janetti Marotta.

Thanks for reading. Enjoy your day!

Return to positivity

Back to my affirmations journals

The weather is gorgeous outside. It is nearly 70 degrees today! It is just about to be 11:00am and its gorgeous! The weather has been showing its early winter self by going down to the 40s and it has been depressing since daylight savings. I do not like the summer heat but I do enjoy the long, warm days! It is nice to have a sunny warm day again! Enjoy a nice cup of coffee outside!

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This day has reminded me to go back to my affirmations. My emotions have dipped extremenly low due to the job failures I had. I am looking up now and want to bring my mindset back to positive. It is time to correct my internal talk.

The mind constantly goes back to negativity and worries. This thinking does weigh you down and wastes energy. So, things can be better if I change my mindset.

A blogger reminded me of Dr. Wayne Dyer’s work. He teaches the power of the mind. The way you think will bring what you expect in life. If you expect the worst out of a situation so, it will be. If you expect the best out of a situation so, it will be. I forget this teaching and it was nice to revisit Dr. Dyer’s work through youtube videos of his lectures. The lectures are crazy long but, there are short ones there.

A blogger also reminded me to return to affirmations. I have started my journals as mentioned in a previous post but neglected it for about two months.

See previous post about my journals:

I started these journals because my mind is intensely negative and needs to see repetition to replace my automatic thoughts. There are people who can study for an exam by just repeating to themselves out loud. Then, there are others who need to write it down 50 times in order to have something memorized. My studying style is more like this.

It will hurt your hand haha but, writing down an affirmation 50 times work out for me. My mind has a hard time believing in something good for myself.

I must replace my thoughts with better in a workbook. Once my mind gets into a positive state, I continue to work on it to keep myself there even through worries.

You’re worries will always be there.

It is just seeing that the best outcome will happen which is the purpose of the exercise. It is amazing how things work out with thoughts of positivity and letting go.

In addition, I have a coping mechanism for my negative emotions which is shopping and decluttering. These do not go together! I am working on adjusting myself. I’m a work in progress. I am constantly editing things in my life and trying to be “better”. I think it adds to my negativity. I should get a hobby once I avoid laziness.

Anyway, off I go to self-improve myself. Enjoy this beautiful day!

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Sustainability in the big city when you are busy

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It’s time to save the planet!

However, we’ve had warnings for so many many years about our waste buildup and plastics! Is there enough people to do something about it? And even if, lets say we change overnight, what do we do with the products already made with plastic packaging or products made out of plastic? 

Our clothing is made with plastic fibers. There are loads of products made with plastic. Trash bins, toilet brushes, tooth picks, soap dispensers, cheap dollar store products, travel accessories, our televisions, our phones, cups, take-out products, our take-out coffees, prescription/medication bottles, toothpaste, and etc. The list of plastics is a long one. 

A low -medium income family can buy a huge jug of cooking oil for a sale price if there is a promotion price at the supermarket! It’s a steal! Oil can be expensive. $15 for a huge gallon! This jug can last a good time if you are a family of 4. 

Dish washing liquid a small size can go one sale for $1. Yes, in nyc it is $1 for something small. I am sure in another state a small dish washing liquid is 50 cents if it’s on sale. A 16 oz Palmolive can go on sale for $4.99 which is a good sale now. 

The issue with a low-medium income families is that even if there is accessibility for plastic free packaging or buying sustainable products, they are way too overpriced. Working minimum jobs and not having enough leftover for healthcare and rent for that matter makes it tough to purchase sustainable products. 

The best is going green as much as possible. Some families do not even care. If you have a busy lifestyle and a family who has the time to think, where do I purchase plastic free toilet paper? 

People are overworked for low pay. Under appreciated by your boss and high demands for results! No care for your personal life or your personal goals! You do as demanded or someone else can take your place. If you are a great worker, it is worse. Let’s take advantage of that worker even more for low pay! Oh and make sure that excellent worker can’t have a life especially if they are single with no kids! 

Makes sense with the “great resignation” as the news is calling it why these things are happening! Crappy pay by crappy bosses! Bad work life balance! 

Anyway, my point is that working a exhausting job full time and having a family or even without a family, your job wipes out any energy you have to think about sustainability. Some wonderful people out there still try to be green even with their hectic lifestyles but many, do not. It is easy to go to a discount store to buy those $1 cookies to satisfy your craving for treats! 

It is quick and easy. Not many people like to be bothered to talk to any store clerk. It’s just buy and go. Nyc is perfect for this lifestyle. Buy your list of goodies and get out fast. No talking. No hello. Easy and done! 

To avoid plastic wrap cookies it’s great to get treats from a bakery or a store that offers individual servings. Subways, Starbucks, and McDonald’s all offer treats on the go. It can be pricey at Starbucks but maybe a McDonald’s or subways. If you love donuts you can get them at Your favorite donut place. It’s less plastic. May not be exactly plastic free. The paper bags that mcDonalds put their treats in may have thin film of plastics. I didn’t do research on this so, I don’t have the exact answer to this. 

But it is a good option to avoid baked goods wrapped in plastic and made with preservatives. Are fresh baked goods made without preservatives? Maybe I should’ve done more research! 

Individual portions of baked goods are wonderful to control your need for sweets! If you buy a huge box and you are like me, you will want to eat the whole box! I do have high blood sugar so not a good idea! 

And the wonderful chips! This is my weakness! I love chips but now decided maybe I can buy fries somewhere where they are wrapped with paper packaging such as KFC. Making fries at home is great too but then there’s the oily leftover. Either way, all still bad for you. Of course moderation is key. 

People want big portions for less money! It’s sad that our culture is given this and now that’s what they expect. Plastic utensils are also given for free, it is expected. I went to a KFC where a straw wasn’t provided and the customer asked, “you don’t have any straws”? People demand plastic bags and are expected to have these things as a part of customer service. Change is hard for people! 

I used to work cashier and would get complaining customers when no bags are provided. Especially, when they make a large purchase, they expect something! Not many people want to bag their own products. We live in a comfort culture. Things are easy and provided for. 

It makes me sad. I hope people can be educated in how their behaviors are affecting our Earth. They don’t have to change everything in one everyday. They can try to change something! 

I have written before about going green but I realized some issues about going green. I am also used to my “comforts” and changing is tough. Let me list a few things I realized in my changing to a more sustainable lifestyle.

Buying compostable garbage bags. They are so pricey. You can purchase a big box of regular garbage bags on Amazon for $20 but one roll of compostable bags cost you $20. That can hurt the wallet but I’ll try it! I just made a purchase today of two rolls! Ouch! 

Soap bars– I have been using natural bars of soap and am loving it but, I keep my bars in a repurposed glass candle container. I worry about the bacteria that it can hold as I let my bars dry after a shower. Same goes for kitchen bar soaps. 

Another thing is space– I do not have a space for a big bar of soap. I share space with roommates in a small kitchen. But I’ll try it anyway! I just ordered a dish bar soap from Amazon today! $12 plus tax. Gosh! I can easily get dish soap at my local rite aid for way cheaper! I don’t wash dishes so much so buying a small bottle of soap on sale does suffice! 

Water on the go- while at work, there’s no water cooler in retail jobs. You have to buy your gallon of water and drink it when you can. Get all the moneys worth versus travel size bottles. One coworker got saavy. He bought a reusable gallon sized water bottle and filled it up with his own water. Very clever. But seriously, who wants to carry all that water daily?

Fast food cravings. Eating healthy is fantastic for your health but there are times I want a KFC meal. A delicious chicken sandwich meal with fries! I would have to think about the cup the sodas come in. If you order a chicken sandwich with just medium fries and no drink, it costs the same as a meal or maybe a bit more. I still get packaging but not as bad as a restaurant. KFC only has food wrappings and paper box packaging.

(In take out, if you do not live in Brooklyn or Manhattan, you still get the plastic containers for takeout orders. Not all restaurants have the means to switch over to sustainable packaging. )

Snacks– When I was working my exhausting pharmacy job, I wasn’t thinking about the protein bars in plastic wrap or the protein shake in a plastic bottle. I just bought it because I need extra energy to sustain myself in case I don’t get a meal or don’t have enough time to break. I was thinking what was easy on the go and something to carry in my pocket. If you have an exhausting job like my pharmacy job, no one cares if you eat or not. It is your own responsibility to make sure you eat. The customers can wait with all their unappreciative complaints! Even if you please one customer there’s always 20 more who don’t appreciate you! Oh yes and my emotional eating. Eating junk food from stress and depression was another reason I bought many bags of chips. I worked at a store that sold plenty of plastic packaging. So much plastic! 

Supermarket– I was so pleased to see my local key food offers whole coffee beans in bulk. I purchase by the pound which is $9 for a little over a pound. It is pricey but I choose it over prepackaged coffee beans. The down side is if you want a different flavor, the bulk coffee are not flavored. You can buy flavoring or if you want to save, you can purchase flavored coffee in plastic for $7 which is a sale price. Prepackaged coffee can run for $12 to $20 depending on what area you live in. 

Plastics are everywhere in my local supermarket. Honestly, I do not want to take a ride to a far away spot to find plastic free goods. I also do not like ordering because there is so much package theft in my area. So, my best bet is to do as much plastic free as I can which can be limiting in options. If I find bananas without plastic packaging, I buy those. I go to different stores that I know carry certain plastic free items and buy it there. I try to do stress-free shopping as much as possible. Yet, it can still be stressful. 

Milks– I currently can’t find milk that’s plastic free in my area. I tried to make my own milk which is great but, the leftover products of making milk is an issue. I don’t always want to bake with these leftover pulp. I can always compost it but I feel bad. The nutrition is in the pulp!! I do like the hassle free of just buying milk. So for now, I have no choice but buy milk in cartons. 

Carry out coffee! I love Dunkin. I have been purchasing it almost daily because honestly, I’ve been lazy even without a job. I purchase it and take it with me to the park. I haven’t tried asking them to put it in my reusable mug due to Covid. I wished they started doing that again but I doubt it. The carry away cups have thin plastic lining and I feel bad throwing it away after chugging my coffee. So, I am going back to making my own as of today! Plus I should be reducing my caffeine intake. 

Amazon/ online purchases– I am guilty of buying stuff and they come in plastic packaging. I purchase eco friendly stuff I can’t find at my local area such as eco friendly shampoo bars. Sometimes I get it in a box and sometimes such as a shoes purchase, I get it in plastic. Plastic adds up so quickly!! Amazon makes it so convenient now to pick up your packages in lockers to avoid package theft.

Vitamins– I have been searching for glass bottle options which I may not find in my local area. I found multivitamins in glass bottles. I still have plastics because not everything comes in glass. 

Cleaning products– I do not use too much cleaning products so it takes forever to get rid of them. But slowly, I am working on replacing this with eco friendly products but then there are plastic issues. I can purchase vinegar as they come in huge jugs and make them myself. Just there’s still plastic. Heinz makes vinegar in small glass bottles. Is it worth buying those small things? They are like $4 for a small glass bottle versus $5 for a huge gallon. (Sigh). I may do it for this purchase since I need vinegar but oh my pocket. 

Make up Products– Makeup still comes in plastic. I been finding plastic free lipsticks which is great. Makeup removers can be replaced with olive oil. I will try that soon in replacement of my makeup remover. I prefer not to use makeup when I am not working. So, less product usage. Deodorants come in plastic free packaging now so I am excited to go for this option! 

Clothing– I have been using thredup for my seasonal updates. I am so used to changing my clothes so often its hard for me to think about buying good quality clothing for long term. I’ll work on that. I watched a youtube video about fashion waste. It makes me feel horrible about wasting clothing.

Toilet Paper– I had no idea it takes so much water and energy to make paper! I just knew where I can buy it for really cheap. I can buy recycled toilet paper in my neighborhood but they are wrapped in plastic so I opt for the regular rolls that come individually wrapped in paper. Costly than buying a pack on sale and not really environmentally friendly but, I am reducing my plastic use. I guess it’s something. (Sigh)

In these times, you want to purchase things that work for your pocket and are great deals for the value! Speaking of value, I found some deals today on some plastic free items. I spent $19 on some items at the supermarket which got me excited! 

It is the best option to save money in case of an emergency and not spend it all at once to be sustainable. So, there’s an issue here. Plastic free and sustainable products should be easily accessible to get more people to participate. Even if you care for the environment, it’s more affordable buying plastic than a Earth-friendly item depending on where you live. Who would spend $20 on ONE single roll of compostable garbage bags? If you give me 2 rolls for $20 that’s a bit different. 

There’s still a long way to go. My neighborhood is slowly changing its ways as I do not have to go far to buy eggs in a paper carton! However, it is still easy to buy a Dove body wash for $3 in a plastic bottle at a discount store that will last you months versus a $20 soap bar that may last less time. Plastic is everywhere and it’s easy to forget to go green.

Sustainability needs to be more accessible to even lower to middle income communities to have more people participate in being Earth friendly. Even discount stores should consider switching out to plastic free packaging. Wouldn’t it be great? The more accessibility, the more people will slowly change to it and adapt.

It’s up to corporations to make the changes! In the meantime, I hope more and more people look for more eco-friendly products as much as they can until the efforts to save the planet is bigger! We have piles and piles of waste to clean up on this one Earth we have. Reduce, Reuse , and I want to say recycle but recycling is broken right now. Let’s reduce and reuse! 

P.S. On a seperate note- I am proud of my plastic free purchases

Eggs in paper carton
Found this nice size glass vinegar bottle for $2! Yey!!!

Still have plastic but, I am doing what I can! 😀

Plastic products!

Its tough to be plastic free when theres so much going on but making an effort is worth it!

Lost at age 37.

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I read so much on the internet about being lost in your 20s. 

So, meet me!! 

I am lost at age 37.

It is absolutely all my fault. I’ve lead my life astray and now I have to line it up towards a better life. Anyone who’s read this blog beginnings understand why. I spent most of my 20s manipulated by passive- aggressive narcissistic people I called my friends. I believed in their manipulation and that I owed my life to serving them with my pay checks. I am a great judgement of character! Anyway, that is a brief summary.

Am I a horrible person? Maybe. I put myself through hell. I messed up my health working like a dog to please these people. Instead, it was never ending and they kept stepping up the “challenges”. Years of my life was stolen and they were probably snickering about me behind my back as they were creating schemes and “challenges” to keep me enslaved. I believed I was helping these people.

It is my fault. I was a toxic person myself and not just them. I let myself attach to these people because I have no other friendships. I had no good people to guide me in life. 

I am trying to get over those days. I am free now due to Covid. Covid was a slight blessing for me. It isolated me from those people and I cut free. Thank the heavens! 

Now I am starting over. 

Before being “enslaved” by my friends, I was already confused and unsure of my future. I went to school for art but changed my mind. Then, I attended school for interior design but changed my mind. I felt I didn’t fit in. 

I am not exactly a normal person. I am writing all this stuff about myself without posting photos of myself. One day maybe. I do not have the courage to expose myself. I am a real person with feelings which is why I am hiding behind my words only.

 I will admit this.

 I am super flawed and I am working on improving my flaws. The worst one is socializing. Ugh. The dreaded socializing. My brain draws blank when it comes to talking. 

I clearly have a brain because I can type so much in my blog and say so much here. Interactive chatting with back and forth conversation though, it becomes a challenge? Am I retarded? 

Being introverted sucks! People dislike you. You have no connections for anything so you end up struggling for a single good thing in life. Talking is a fear! Anyway, let me stop here. You have my point. Life is better through socializing and reaching out to others! There is a warmth there. I am slowly starting to see it. Even online support is better than none. Sometimes you can post something on social media and have numerous support. That’s if you are daring to expose yourself. A true introvert does not like to reveal anything about themselves. Privacy is king! 

Anyway, my point with all that stated is that socializing gets you places in life. In a time like this, promoting yourself is fantastic for jobs. 

Meeting likeminded people keeps you sane. For now, I will have to keep myself sane. Anyone read my last post about my recent jobs. Finding a good boss is tough for me. I am horrible at judgement. Am I being too hard on myself? I think I’ll keep to myself for a while. All the pain I continue to put myself through is enough. I do continue to send out resumes and look for more interview opportunities. I still have to do my best! Maybe one day I will find something that is right for my needs and skill set. Being hopeful here. A part of manifesting is the action followed by belief. 

Life is so tough. 

It is never easy. Even having the simplest life is tough. 

When I was a kid I had high hopes for myself. I would have my dream career by now, a soulmate husband and family of 2 kids, a house of my own and a car. I had some gut feeling I was going to struggle. Yet, I kept dreaming. 

First sign I knew my life would be hard. I struggled to get jobs as a teen. Gap wouldn’t even hire me. One manager threw my resume in the garbage the minute I started walking away. This was back in the early 2000’s. I’ve always struggled. I finally found my first job was at age 26!! It took me such a long time to get int somewhere. People never wanted to be around me because I didn’t trend like others. I myself wasn’t a trend. People saw that vibe and just stayed away. 

I struggled in school because I never had support from other students. I purposely stayed alone because of this. Other students would work together on projects and I only supported myself. Yet, I still pushed on and completed projects on my own. I figured out the hard stuff on my own. In interior design, you had to present projects with model versions of your plans. So, as a new student, you figure out how to make one. The professor can only do so much in guiding you. The rest is up to you. I am not the smartest kid on the block but I made it work somehow. 

Funny thing, there were other loners out there. Yet, I was different from others. People can pick up if you are different from others. They tend to dislike those people. I was always that different one. Of course, me! (Sigh.) Lucky for me, I was never heavily bullied. It was subtle. Thank heavens! But the isolation by others hurt. Being looked at different hurt. 

I was an overweight kid. I was quiet, not approachable and hard to look at. When I spoke, people disliked it. So, I kept quiet. I thought it was best for me. I was wrong! Instead, I blocked myself from learning how to socialize and defend myself when I needed to. I lack the power to be confident and achieve confronting people when necessary. I am a lover not a fighter. I stayed neutral which kept myself as a person from progressing as a human. 

I let the empathy I had for other peoples opinion of me keep me down. I had no empathy for myself! People can smell a weakling from a mile away. I stayed out of peoples way. But, my emotions were held in. I didn’t know how to voice my frustrations. That lead to a horrible teen phase! 

Anyone with introverted kids, I hope you do a talk session with them daily and have them voice anything they keep to themselves! Especially your teens. Show them all the love they need! ❤️❤️❤️

1:41pm- Took a break from writing this post. I was emotionally turning negative and I didn’t want to have that in my post. I am trying to be honest but cheery at the same time. I went out to grab a snack and went for a quick walk at the park. It’s gorgeous outside! I feel so much better. Emotions are wonderful to serve as motivators for writing but sometimes, the emotion is too unhealthy. So, I had a short mental check here.😀)

My mother was a depressed woman. As a kid you don’t know anything about that kind of stuff. I did sense she was different than other mothers. She didn’t want to socialize with others. She was always angry at me. She would get aggressive over the smallest thing. We fought a lot because I learned how to be aggressive and angry like her too. At home of course. At school, I was a lovely quiet little overweight angel! My mother was working as well as taking care of me. She was under alot of pressure.  

I learned alot of my current mental behaviors from my mom. Sadly, my moms mental health turned for the worse. Is it my fault? I don’t really speak to my mom about her mental health. She’s an Asian mom and old school at that. Old school Asian moms do not acknowledge mental health. It’s hush hush. Oh mom! 

My mom had to be put on psych meds because of her mental health. The psychologist who prescribed her the meds didn’t take into account her heart condition. It’s not an intense one. The doctors are not concerned. Her heart rate slows down once in a while. However, her psych meds slowed her heart rate more one Friday morning and she passed out hitting her head in the bathroom 4:00am in the morning. 

My mom is fine now. Just that she was admitted to a psych ward after her ER visit unfortunately. She has emotional distress from an encounter with a racist neighbor a year ago. She wouldn’t let it go and it created her emotional distress. Emotional health is so important! She’s on the right kind of medications now and is doing so much better!!! What a difference! She still has her symptoms but, she is so improved! I am relieved. 

I realized in the last year or so how emotional health can affect one’s quality of life so much! My mom is at retirement age. She should be focused on retirement activities not fearing racist neighbors (who moved away by the way! )

Reflecting on myself, I have become exactly like my mother! My mental thinking patterns are the same! Absolutely negative and it goes into repetitive loops. 

In a previous post, I talked about affirmation journals and gratitude journals I started to improve my mental health! It does work. However, I put it on hold because of my recent exhausting jobs. 

I know this much about what I want in life:

I don’t want to have an uneven work life balance. I want work to be work and I am able to clock out at the end of my shift. Work stays at work. 

Nursing is a great profession at this day to go into because of high demand. However, I don’t want to spend my older years in life studying to death anatomy & physiology and lose time in my daily life. 

Part of this is because I spent most of my 37 years sulking on negative thoughts and fantasizing over things I can’t have. My negativity took over my life. It lead me to doubt myself and the directions I took my life. I let negativity tell me what to do in life. My thoughts held me a prisoner for so many years. I am at a point in life where I want to be more free!! 

I couldn’t figure it out before why I don’t want to spend so much time in school. I don’t want to spend too much time studying. My mental health has been exhausting! Before I was enslaved by my “friends”, my mind enslaved me. I am seeking freedom! I want to walk around bored with a short to-do list on my day and enjoy the beauty of my day. I didn’t do this before age 36. I stayed at home sulking over situations and moments that past. My mind wrapped around situations over and over again. It’s over, let it go. My mind kept me away from enjoying my life!

Work– Even a simple day at work can still be exhausting. You experience exhaustion from staring at the computer all day long doing data entry. Dealing with a crazy boss takes a toll on you. I would come home exhausted but relieved to get away from that boss I just quit. 

I seek a simple work life balance with some work enjoyment. I spent time at a job that I hated but my coworkers were the reason I stayed. We were there for each other no matter our background or if I was quiet or extroverted. We understood the pain we went through at a busy Doctors office. We helped each other. I seek that again! 

Anyway, so here I am lost in life. I tried a medical career but, the basic jobs are tough now. Employers are not easygoing as they say they are and they expect you to do 3 peoples jobs at minimum wage. A real medical career as a nurse takes schooling. Health care is changing. Health insurance in America is expensive. You pay a high monthly premium but you have a high deductible towards your medical. The high deductible means you are not covered by the insurance until you pay off that deductible. This varies by insurance plans. The older insurance plans are slightly different(hard to explain). Basically, all the new insurance plans means high medical debt. However, you need medical insurance for a heart attack or if you are having a baby because without insurance a hospital stay can add up to a million dollars!!! Start taking your health seriously. Go jogging. Eat a healthy balanced diet. Keep your blood pressure in check and your blood sugar in check because the doctors don’t get paid well by insurance companies and they care even less about you! Doctors overbook so they can meet a quota in their office to pay that rent and electricity bill. 

Enough ranting. The Medical world will be changing. I don’t know what that means for jobs like front desk. I depend on those jobs! 

What else can I do? I need to find a steady income. A lot of thinking to do.

Taking Action on quitting my job- (updated extended version)

to leave my boss. I quit this morning. This is the second job I quit abruptly within the last 50 days.

Photo by Dominika Roseclay on

The boss gave me some creepy vibes here and there and I worked alone with him so it made me uncomfortable when we were alone. He acts like the sweetest man in the world but when you look past it, something was off. His mind was disorganized and lacked focus. Its hard to work for someone like that because it makes you think “well, whats the point of me working here?”. He had subtle sadistic behavior which I didnt understand.

The hours were good but he didnt respect my work/life balance. He kept pushing me to do more hours when its not even busy. It made no sense to me. I think I knew this was too good to be true! The boss hired me out of desperation and I took the job out of desperation! This was my mistake! This is where I went wrong.

This is going to sound more like self- blame but I always end up with the same kind of people. “Nice people” with a secret agenda that makes no sense to anyone else but themselves. I am a nice person. Yet, I end up with these people seeking drama when there is no drama.

As it is said, “Like attracts like.” So, I guess here desperation seeks desperation? Two jobs that didn’t fit me in some way but I wanted to make it fit so I can have some income.

I spoke about this with my family. They told me I didnt set a boundary so my boss felt like he was able to push my buttons. That is sick. He apparently does this with everyone else because I am the third front desk person this year. So, its definitely not me being sensitive! Something is off! Thank God I quit before things can get worse.

Sometimes, listening to the inner self will give you answers. The ego will say, “hey this is great you have a job. Yes money!” On the other hand, your instincts will tell you, “run”. Some things are red flags!

It’s tough right now for me but, I will hang in there.

This is more of a rant than a post. Thanks for listening.

Now back to manifesting!

P.S. I still have to go back for my pay. Oh boy. I do not want to deal but maybe my lesson is confront my obstacles.

6pm edit- Most updated——–

Out of my own laziness I sort of became vague in this post about why I quit my job. I should start from the beginning. Here is a back story before I start talking about the current position I left this morning. 

Starting back in 2020– I have been consistently in jobs for a long time until Covid. I didn’t have a professional career job but I held a position as front desk. I was actually good at it but my employer didn’t feel the need to keep me. Since then, I have struggled to look for jobs. Mostly because of shut downs and lack of positions since business have been lacking for a year. I had the pleasure of working retail which was a second job I kept since I lost my office position. It was a good back up plan for income. 

My retail position was great but business was doing bad at the location I was working in so, I decided to transfer to a different store location. I tested it out and worked some hours. The manager who handled my scheduling was wonderful to work with and things was going smoothly until after I transferred into the store. A change in the store happened. I dislike changes at times because changes in management usually means bad. The manager that handled my scheduling was promoted to a different store. Instead it was up to a different manager to handle my work schedule and that’s when things got bad. Another one of the managers I worked with(there were many managers to help manage the many shifts in the store) who was very nice to  me at the beginning started to become demanding and ignored my schedule needs. She started forcing me to work extra hours I didn’t want and tried to manipulate me by insisting and saying, “the store manager says you have to work this shift”. 

First of all, if I am not comfortable with it I do not have to take a shift! I am employed with the store but that doesn’t make me a slave to the store! I am not obligated to work hours I do not want to work. That got me so worked up. 

This store I transferred into was extremely busy. Lines at the register went all the way to the back of the store. It was nonstop and when it did stop, you wanted a few minutes to recover if you were allowed to. Cashiering can tire the crap out of you! Anyway, I understand why they had to demand more hours out of me but, the way the store exhausted me, I didn’t feel comfortable working so much. I would get so sore from just cashiering alone that I would come into work with body aches and pains. Breaks are way too short. You pick up your food and then only 10 minutes left to eat it. And people like to talk in the break room so that means even less time to enjoy your food! Again, I changed the subject. So, I understand the demands of the store. But, Just hire extra help! There are plenty of people looking for work! I almost had a breakdown because I was so overworked. And the demand to work more just brought me to a boiling point. So, I became a no-show on my next shift. I couldn’t do it anymore! That was October 2020. 

This year- 2021-I didn’t find employment again until September. It was another retail position.

This one too, training was great. Actually, this was an old company I used to work pharmacy tech for. I came back to it thinking I did a great thing for me. I was so wrong!

After training, my boss tells me she’s going on vacation. When a pharmacy manager goes on vacation, things go to hell!!!!!! The company brought horrible substitute pharmacists who couldn’t keep up with the demands of the store and the tech gets all the bullshit for this lack. The Pharmacist finalizes all the prescriptions, do all the immunizations, mixing immunizations and answers phones. Our screen had never ending pages of 50 prescriptions per page that had to be filled and checked. Pharmacist can only finalize them. The Techs can only prep them for checking. When the pharmacist is too slow, then prescriptions are backed up, immunizations are backed up, and all. Patients get angry and they do not understand the craziness we endure behind the scenes. They just see us as incompetent. I can move quickly because I am used to it from working with this company before. However, after so many years, the company has put in so many precautionary steps that it takes 10 minutes to prep 1 prescription. And when you have a slow pharmacist who can’t check fast enough fearing they will make a mistake, it’s worse!!!! I almost died figuratively at this job! And the scheduling was uneven. We were short staffed and I had a slow substitute pharmacist who couldn’t help me. He could barely help himself! I had to deal with the difficulty with working alone at rush hour when all the customers come to pick up their medications. I had to operate register, fill scripts and help customers check in for their immunizations alone. It was painful doing it by yourself and I was relearning the company as I do this. The lines went back towards the front of the store. it was so long and I had two long lines. I had to run back and forth the lines to be fair to everyone waiting. Each customer needed extra time to work out some things with their medicines. OF course it wasnt a quick pick up, pay and done deal. Alot of same day medicines werent checked. I had to go to the pharmacist to check them one by one after I fill them. I had to leave people to wait for me while I complete a fill. You need one person to fill, one person at register and one person to type at all times. It is such a process at pharmacy. It was painful especially alone. Plus this company wanted me to become certified as a tech plus certified to help with immunizations!!! Hell to the no!!!!!! At minimum wage? The lack of respect at this job! 

Then unexpectedly, my mother became ill. That drew another boiling point for me! I couldn’t do it.  To make it worse, when I explained it to my boss all I got was, “it won’t be bad anymore I am back. ” No, what I went through and the pressure to study for this PTCB exam was too much. Am I lazy? I dont care what anyone thinks! I work my ass off and got no respect for it. Especially the customers. All they see is we are doing nothing. We are just staring at computer screens. They dont know what we deal with on those screens. Another painful thing we deal with. I also have school that I just started to worry about. And the constant staying late to help with the business because it gets crazy during rush hour times, wow, no work life balance. My first Sunday working, I didn’t even get to go on my 30-min break because the substitute pharmacist couldn’t do much. He’s an older gentlemen so I get it. He is like 80 years old so you can’t blame him. An older pharmacist can’t keep up with the crazy demands of a high volume pharmacy job! And we are not allowed to discuss this with the public so, we have to keep it to ourselves! My blood pressure is rising as I recount my experience at the pharmacy! I’m so glad I quit. I don’t care what anyone says!!!! My mental health and my physical health is important. That job broke me down many times!!!! I would cry myself to sleep. My blood pressure rose to 140/95 with headaches on the days I worked and low blood sugar levels from lack of eating. My adrenaline kept me going. I beared with it for 2 weeks and dropped it like hot cakes! NO THANKS!!!! No more pharmacy job for me! 

What next? 

October 18th- I got a call for a job I applied for on indeed. It was for a front desk position. I was glad. Things sounded too good though. The office operated Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays with one hour lunch. I went into the interview. The boss was by himself. No staff. That should’ve been my red flag but I thought, it is Covid, maybe people just left. 

The interview seems well. The employer was easy going. He was a bit weird. He talked me to death and had a childlike speech at moments. That was a bit off. He is a 50-60 year old man with some childlike behavior. Like some weird slapstick behavior. I am a serious person so this slapstick doesn’t appeal to me. But I laughed anyway. He talks me to death and goes off tangent. We don’t even discuss the job at some point. I just sat there like, “wow this man can really talk!” He kept going. He didn’t even need to take a breathe! That should’ve been a red flag. Why do you talk so much? And the lack of focus on the interview. He finally got to the point after two hours of talking about his field. My interview was at 10:30 in the morning and then it became 12:00.  He asked for references. I told him I have to get back to him about that. Then out of the blue he goes, “do you have time to work until 7? ” That should have been a red flag! 

Out of desperation, what do I do? I stay and worked until 7. I barely had a lunch break because he talks so much he taught me very little. The talking just took the whole day! He taught me the basics and I worked from there. My brain was telling me to go home. But my ego was telling me to stay and work. Make money! This seems like an easy job. I loved the hours. Three days only and I can do my own stuff with this job. It wasn’t very busy. 

As I worked more days I noticed he didn’t ask me to fill out employment papers. W4 and I9 were no filled out. Instead he took my social and logged it into his iPhone and my address. Another red flag.

He gets distracted easily so I had to constantly remind him to show me something. Or I had to remind him to eat his lunch. I ended up babysitting him a little bit because he’s so disorganized in thought. And I don’t know maybe some memory problems. After he taught me something he acted like I was a pro and he forgot his own knowledge. He would explain something else that made no sense! You just taught it to me correctly!! How did you forget it? His behavior is very ADD/ADHD which is a red flag to me. If you don’t know how to organize your own company I am not sure how I can help you here! I cant do billing statements if your stuff is not organized. He gave me stuff from 2020 which should’ve been done already. If he has papers I would explain what they are but he would keep them near him and focus on them again. His attention span was short. He would refocus on the same thing and can’t move on. There should be more stuff for me to look through but he said he has to look for them. What? Paperwork is easy. If it’s been checked and verified, check it off and move on. But he doesn’t do that. He will go over it and over it and leave it around and look at it again. He can’t focus on one thing at a time. He would lose focus and move on to something else. He can’t complete a task unless you remind him to do something. It’s like when you say it then he can do it once you say what needs to be done. I am a horrible person with describing these behaviors. This is the best way for me to describe. This behavior or brain pattern makes it hard for me to work. How can I work with a disorganized boss? Then he would subtly use sadistic behavior to taunt me that I’m single. He would point out everyone that comes in that they are getting married. He would mention his wife all the time. Okay? There were weird subtle behavior that had no meaning to me but the fact that it was subtle but repeated! I took notice! At moments, he would try to manipulate me with his constant talking by asking If I can work more hours! It’s not busy. In addition, I explained in the interview that I can only do three days only. I told him his schedule is perfect which is why I went into the interview. I can get these things done during the time I am here. I can’t answer phones but I can handle the other stuff he needed to get done. FYI- after getting them done I found out it was pointless. I was upset. He’s so disorganized he doesn’t know what is done and what is not. He has no control over his company. I overheard him talk smack about me with a client over something silly. I was busy on the phone calling a company about some paperwork and the phone rang. I’m not going to pick it up. I am currently doing something. The company is complicated to deal with so I had to brace myself and not lose my cool! Anyhow, he got annoyed and I heard him say something in anger with the client about me. That was uncalled for. And then he proceeded to yell out something I had to do for his client. That was very uncalled for. You see I am on the phone! Red flag. 

Doing all this calmly was hard.

He even pointed it out to me many times, “you are very calm.” He found that funny and tried to push my buttons. Another red flag. That line he repeated it a few times on other days. He would repeat his lines to me. It was creepy. Even asking me to work more hours constantly. It’s almost as if his memory was not good. Either that or he was finding ways to push my buttons for kicks. Its childish behavior. “If I do this 50 times will get annoyed?” How old are you? Also, why would you lose your cool at a job? You are expected to be professional. I stated that and he found that funny. Whoa! Weirdness. His personality would become off at moments.

Each work day he kept asking can you work tomorrow? What would I be doing? He had nothing to give me to work. He said, “I can find you something to work on.” WTF! Seriously, WTF!!!! I was trying hard not to lose it. It made no sense!

I calmly said no to working another day. To come in and do something I can do in 5 minutes. How do you run a company and you don’t know what the hell you are doing? Thirty five years running the company I was told! 

He would make weird remarks that I disregarded. It was almost as if he was trying hard to get a reaction out of me. He asked me to clean out the desk I wanted to work on. “This place needs a womens touch”. Why cant your wife do it? Remarks like this sounded my internal alarm. Hes super personable and then all of a sudden I get this.

He is also very smallminded. Asked me questions like is Korean the same as Chinese? WTF? No, is French the same as Spanish? NO!

Explaining things to him was hard for him to grasp. I ended up giving up. I repeated myself 5 times and he still couldn’t grasp what I said. So I gave up. It was closing time this past Wednesdsy night and I was ready to run out. He used his body to block me from walking out until I explain to him what he needed to know. I was very furious at that point. I was ready to explode! I had a long day. I want to go home. And explaining something to him was no point. I explained, “it’s closing time and it’s time for me to go home.” Nope! So, I stayed longer just to explain my point to him about 2-3 more times. To be honest, I think he just wanted to chat. When he was satisfied, he would calm down. What he does is that he would chat and then after a while he would interrupt me and say, “go home”. 

This moment made my decision to quit! That’s creepy! I’m a short little person! He’s a 5foot 9 300 lbs man. He blocked me from exiting my desk to leave the office until I explained something basic to him a couple more times! That got me so worked up! I am worked up again as I explain my story here. No way! I am alone working with him so that made me uncomfortable. 

This morning was supposed to be payday. I texted him I wasnt coming in. I didn’t feel like explaining to him I was quitting in front of his clients. He has appointments all day. I also need to give him back my keys. 

He wanted to discuss why I was quitting. ” I thought we were going to have this wonderful relationship.” Creepy ass man.

That moment that happened Wednesday night , really creeped me out. I don’t know if I want to return for my paycheck. Am I being too paranoid? I may send his key back by post mail to avoid going to the office. He does these things subtly. He finds it funny. He’s a large man and I’m a short little female. I do not find that funny! I do not have defense lessons, haha! 

A sweet person with subtle toxic behaviors shining through. Hmm.

On Wednesday- a representative from a company that comes in every now and then, came in for a while. I had some alone time with him and he explained to me that I am the third front desk person this year. That doesn’t sound good! 

That’s all so upsetting. The job is great. I didn’t  want to leave the job. I love the hours. Three days minus the annoying daily question of, “can you work extra? What about working from home?” 

I got good at the job quickly because I worked front desk before. But dealing with the boss is a pain in the arse! He talks too much! At moments, I looked at him, “are you ever going to stop?”. I have to start moving away otherwise he will not stop. I like to be left alone to focus on my job. He would creep up to me and talk. I don’t want to talk. I want to finish my work and go home. I can talk for a while but this man wants to never stop talking. He can go on for hours! OMG. I’ve never met a boss like this before! I don’t know how to handle someone like him! I’ve worked for professional doctors. He is one of a kind in a freaky way.

In the morning, He would call the office most likely to make sure I am in the office and then ask me what I am doing? WORKING!!!!!! And then he would proceed to talk about nonsense. He would go on for 30 minutes. I would have to stop him to hang up. In the mornings it’s easier to work since he’s not there to interrupt me. So, I prefer if he doesn’t call to talk about nothing! 

Am I overreacting? Maybe it’s me? I’m the person with a problem. Maybe he’s the nice guy and I am taking his faults too far? 

My instincts told me to leave when He asked me to work on that first day which was the interview day! I should’ve listened to myself! I always do this and then ask myself, “where did I go wrong?” 

So, that is all. Just worried about collecting my check. I worked. I want my money. But, how do I get it without his bullshit? He will ask why did I quit. I cant say your a freak! I know, not very nice of me! But this man is a person that should be avoided.

On my interview day, he had a no show. Someone got smart and felt he was not good. I need to start learning how to pick up signs of a bad boss!!

So, now what? Well, I have my weekend to think about how to pick up my payment. Since I never filled out a W4, I dont know how much he will be paying me. Tax deducted or not? Ill just see it in my check if I choose to pick it up.

In the end, I am still worked up about all this because its recent events. I am absolutely relieved I wont have him as a boss anymore.

Gloomy day- after some rain this morning

Photo by Trace Hudson on

Rain usually is great! Washes away all the dirt on the ground and smelly garbage in the air from city trash. Rain helps clears the air. However, bad weather brings moody people and sleepiness.

I am still in a self doubt mode. Its alot of self-reflection of what is it that I want? Currently, I do want to be financially taken care of but going back to my old ways of working is not fulfilling. I do not have a professional career. So going back to my old retail job was something I thought was for me but it wasn’t. I am back at an office job working the front desk but not fulfilling either. What is it that I want? Something to journal about for me.

Everyone is searching for that better way of fulfilling their heart and to also provide for family. I love this about this time. It is truly a time for reflecting on your needs. What makes you truly happy?

Of course there are the negative nay sayers in peoples life. The people that tell you “you are not doing anything with your life”. Or if you are my family, you dont get it told to your face. Instead you get a look! A look. “Oh you quit you’re job. I see.” Followed by a look. I am 37 years old guys! There I said it. I am old. No kids thank god! I think I would have a meltdown if I had children to drag into my “soul searching”. I cant let my babies see me like this. Kids need strong, smart, resilient parents!

Anyway, I continue finding myself! And of course those challenges I spoke about in yesterdays post. I guess it is holding on and getting through them. Theres always something being thrown at you. My next level involves learning my old lessons in life and applying them to my life now. No mistake in life is wasted. Only to better your life!

Ready for the next level but not ready for the challenges. 


It’s been a time of opportunity for me. I feel blessed yet so, bombarded with obstacles. There are some things in my life I still have to face. These are coming up as challenges. I am not an influencer so like most people I have to live a regular life working a regular job. Do I feel fulfilled? No.

What are my challenges? I have manifested job opportunities and is currently pursuing a bachelors degree. How am I still at my age and not sure where I want to take my life? I haven’t found my “gift” in life. I been listening to Steve Harvey motivational videos on YouTube. He has great points. How life is hard and it is up to you to push through your challenges and learn your gift in life. You are born to be a gift in life. But it is up to you to find what that means. Well, I haven’t found it. I am still searching. Maybe my gift is in front of me and I am just blind to it? 

I tried retail for a bit last month(September) which I’ve done before but I didn’t feel it was right for me. I left that position. 

I found a new position just last week. Actually, I went in for an interview on Monday and I ended up working that same day for my current employer. Is that a sign that this position was meant for me? Well this job did come easier than the previous one I just left. The retail position was harder. There was so many red flags for me. So under pressure from the job, I quit abruptly. Not a grateful way to show an employer appreciation for hiring me. Now a days it’s a blessing for me. I’ve been down on my luck with that. 

Some things happened too besides pressure at the job. My mom had a horrible accident in which she almost died. Thank god for my dad and the EMT! They got to my mom in time! That was quite an event that added to me quitting. It just happened unexpectedly. 

These challenges were not what I thought would happen to me. But they did. 

I am still going through tough challenges. But I guess this is how you are pushed to the next level. Comfort equals staying the same. Discomfort means change. Why does change have to be so uncomfortable? I am still wondering what is the lesson for me? 

During covid I was in such a peaceful state. and now back into the work force during covid times; I am in such an unpleasant place. So much uncertainty. What is the lesson here for me? I will be pondering this for a while until I see where my current situation will lead me to. 

This morning walking to work from the train station, I passed by a hobo with a sign that says, ” Smile. It coulda been worse”. Indeed! I am hanging in there. I hope you are too!