I have been meaning to write for a while now. I have nothing interesting to write. Nothing motivational to write. I have been very ill shortly after starting my new position. I am currently contemplating quitting my new position becuase the people who work with me are highly toxic. It is hard to stay positive and spiritual when I am around them. Coming back to work reminds me that many people do not practice gratitude, spirituality, positivity and peace. It is actually a reality check. Being unemployed for so long kept me away from the harsh reality of life. I think that was a great thing. Now that I am back, I feel like I am in a different world.
Sometimes, I wonder why I am going through what I am going through. My mother’s mental illness made a turn for the worst as she has been diagnosed with a mental illness. I am not ready to reveal what that is yet. It has been discouraging. Since my illness, I have been having a hard time concentrating on my school work. I am not doing so great as the semester ends. I may end my semester with a C. It makes me realize that school is not for me but, I will continue. I seek to finish school as long as school will have me and my grades will keep me in school. I dropped one class due to my illness. I struggled to keep up with my readings and work full time.
Happy Mother’s Day to those celebrating Mothers.
A lot of pain with my mom lately. I am struggling with how to help my mother and her mental illness. Perhaps it is associated with her menopause? I wished there was more research I can find on this topic. I am angry at my mom but worried at the same time.
My mother’s mental health change has been going on for some time but, I am not sure why now that there is name to her mental illness, I feel worse. Almost as if I was in denial, but now it is official with her diagnosis.
Currently, I am lacking motivation in my life as well in manifesting. I have to relearn to build inner peace as I work with my outside environment. It is tough. I realize I am more sensitive to the negativity around me than I thought.
Life is constantly throwing a problem to solve. The issue is overcoming the challenge. What is overcoming a challenge?
It is going through it.
You are constantly finding a solution.
Is this the right way to this?
What is the lesson in this situation I am in?
And when you think you found an answer, over the challenge a new one arrives. And then back at square one.
No matter how big or small a challenge,
A challenge is a challenge.
Looking forward to more better days! Hoping for the best. When there’s darkness, there is light.
It is easy to become negative. A challenge will bring opposition to you and all the lessons that built your problem-solving mind. The mind will go to that bad place where all you see is bad outcomes. Or you can try to change that mindset and look forward to the good outcomes.
No matter the struggle, chose to go towards the positive. The Universe will provide the rest! Push through that negative. Tell your negative mind to “shut up!”
I see its almost a month since my last post. I have been busy with a new schedule. All that previous talk about finding a job, well, I finally found one. I am working and going to school so most of my time is used up. I am getting better at scheduling my time so, I finish my school work and have a free moment such as now to write here on my blog.
I am probably just going to vent during this blog or maybe just update about myself.
My new job has been treating me well so far. I am socially awkward so, I am not liked by all there but, hey its a job. I couldn’t believe I got the job since I have been waiting for so long for something decent to come along.
I manifested it by revisiting my needs in a job. I wrote out a list of what I was seeking in a job. After I was done, I let it go. I was feeling doubtful I would find something suitable for me but, I was staying hopeful I will find something close to my list. I continued on with my routine. And BAM! I get an email to go in for an interview when I least expected it.
On the day of the interview, I used the public bus to get to the interview. To my amazement, that ride was free for some reason. Whatever, the reason was, I was grateful. Was that a sign that the job was it for me? Is it possible a job could be the right fit for me? I have been searching for so long.
The Universe always has a way of sending you signs. That bus ride was a sign.
I doubted myself after the interview.
Then another, BAM! I get the job.
Whatever I am dealing with at my current job, I am still grateful. All jobs are not perfect since dealing with people can always become complicated. Many different personalities can conflict. Maybe my lesson is to learn how to deal with my social challenges in a work environment.
When I come home from work, I focus on my school. I am in school entirely online which is convenient. Technology can be amazing! Less travel, just focus on assignments. School is a challenge with full time work but, it is doable. Honestly, it’s also tiring. Why did I decide to take 3 classes?
My energy vibrations have been low. My body is constantly exhausted since I wake up 6:00am for work now instead of 10:00am. My mind and body is not at its strongest. Today, is the first day in a few weeks where I have a free moment after class work to go out, take a walk, enjoy a healthy meal made at home, have tea/coffee, dessert, do errands, and focus on my physical and spiritual self. Today is my day that I am bringing myself back to the self that I was before my schedule changed. I realized how rest is so important to maintain my high vibrations. I went from sleeping 8-10 hours(don’t judge-I love my sleep) to 5 hours during the week. If I am extremely tired, I will nap after work but, lose time for my class work. But, I chose my body first.
My meditation practice has gone. To my amazement, the hiring manager at my workplace is also a spiritual teacher. She offers meditation class on Fridays. What a connection! I am grateful. This is mostly when I have time to practice my meditations.
I remind myself today to put my energy into something creative or just let out my energy and I chose to write here on my blog and let people know what I am up to. Creativity keeps your spirit high and positive. It is an outlet. Channel that energy, let out the negative and create good vibes!
Anyway, stay love and light! Continue to manifest the life of your dreams one day at a time!!
Before I go on with this post, I just wanted to announce some news that I am now monetizing this site. Not in a big way but I have added Wordads to my posts. I hope they do not become too annoying on this blog. I am trying this out.
Now onward with the post:
Emotions promote inner turmoil or inner peace. Keeping your emotions in check is super important. In my journey, I realized that being internally peaceful and calm is ideal to creating a harmonious life. Its also a great assistant to manifesting all the good you want in your life.
This has been the most painful part of my life yet, the most life changing part of my life. Learning how to control my emotions.
Controlling emotions doesn’t come easy from someone who was been angry with the world up to the recent past. That’s so many years of anger. 30+ years. Learning how to cope with it takes so much discipline.
Self-improvement is constant.
I see the benefits in changing my emotional well-being. Not too long ago, I felt that I wasn’t making much change in myself but then things slowly started shifting for me in my life. Nothing major happening just small enough to make me think, something is changing internally.
Finally, I realize the what the saying means, “change your thoughts, change your life”. I have been on this path of self- healing and learning how to adjust my inner thinking. Yet, I didn’t see how much it has impacted me as a person.
Being aware of your thoughts.
First thing is changing thinking and mindset. Become aware of the thoughts your thinking. Your emotions will not calm down unless your mindset adjusts and sees things in a new way. And then emotionally, things will shift as well.
I never realized I easily I became affected emotionally by things until 2020. I began to meditate. Meditating changed my life.
I am so embarrassed to say I am still a moody person even for my age. I am working on that.
If I didn’t land a job after an interiew, I can be in a pretty bad mood for some time. I realized not a good thing. I could pass up on an opportunity like when I passed that cute guy on my block trying to get my attention. I ignored him because I was in a “bad” mood.
Good attitude towards life
Emotions create an attitude which dictates the outlook of how you see life during the day, week, month, et cetera. I have to reframe the negative situation: Losing out on a job could mean there is something better for me. Once I changed that thinking, my emotions will shift and allow me to see the good that can possibly come to me. Therefore, create a good outlook and attitude towards life.
I have been extra interested in positivity and how it affects the mind. Being positive can have an affect on creativity as well. Positivity keeps your mind open to new things which creates resilience and problem-solving. Instead of going, “life sucks. I stink”, I can think, “what’s next for me?” This thinking can lead to so many possibilities. Embrace the challenges. This may not lead to an “aha!” moment immediately but, something will come up and miraculously appear slowly.
Always when it is least expected.
I am currently focusing on my emotions to keep my mindset positive.
Meditation is a fantastic tool to stay centered. I will admit that my cluttered mind has altered the effectiveness of my recent meditation sessions but, I still go through with it because I can still receive benefits. Hey, I may not be able to shut off all of my sad, negative, or angry thoughts of the day. I can still calm myself down a bit. And my blood pressure too, haha. It makes a difference.
It’s not necessary to do anything special to be able to receive healing from meditation. Simply find a 10 minute meditation session on YouTube and just breathe with the session. It helps.
Keeping the bad mind chatter to a minimum.
Anyone who has constant mind chatter knows what I mean. It is hard to tell yourself “shut up“. Your mind will be quiet for a minute and then get right back on it.
Positive Affirmations to keep down mind chatter
You can use affirmations. I do understand sometimes certain life situations do not allow you to talk nicely to yourself. How can you apply positive affirmations when things get tough?
Maybe rethink a situation in your mind? Discuss in your mind, what is my fear in this situation? What can I do to reframe my thinking?
If I lost a job opportunity, what do I fear? Well, it’s almost 2 years now and I may never get a job. I am not likeable.
How can I rethink this? Use gratitude to shift mindset: I have support from my family and a warm home to go to so I do not freeze in 20 degree weather. I can take my time to find the right fitting job for me.
Reframe the mindset.
List out all the positives that creates that good feel. Using my job search example:
-I seek a positive work environment with support and growth possibilities
-Good team of people and encouraging management
-Using my talents properly
-a position close to my home so less travel
Journal: write it down
I’m a major fan of journaling. I do this everyday. whether it is to dump out my feelings, fears, brainstorming, even dump mindchatter. I write as often as I can and it helps me. My mind feels lighter when I release my thoughts into a journal.
Keep shifting the mindset
Getting used to shifting your mind is so frustrating at first. You are engulfed in emotions that take over your mind and body. To add, this thinking can take a lot of work in the beginning and can even be frustrating. It feels like fighting yourself in your mind sometimes. However, negative emotions are distracting you from balancing the inner self. I have been there. But, keep pushing even if shifting to this new mindset is hard at first. Keep doing it. The end result is how resilient you become after working on this change. Always think, how can I make this situation better? Or what is another way of seeing this situation?
Change your thinking, change your life!
Heard this before? It is so true! This new focus will redirect all that mind chatter and especially, the emotions. Getting your feelings into calm is the main event. Once your thinking changes, your emotions follow. At tranquility, feel the flow of good from the Universe!
Self-help/ Reading/ Grow in Knowledge
And of course, self-improvement is constant. I am consistently trying to listen to lectures on YouTube from the late Dr. Wayne Dyer, Mel Robbins, Tony Robbins, Oprah Winfrey and anyone who inspires you. I currently have a big interest in shifting mentality and emotional intelligence so I have been listening to audio books or lectures on my free time.
Making time to read and expanding your knowledge is so important. It’s also a tool to help your mind change. You can always refer back to your reading and go, “well, let’s try this technique Mel Robbins wrote in her book. ”
Last but not least, nature walks. Currently, I am comfortable in my warm abode and stay away from the cold weather. Once the weather improves, I will return to my walks. I love them! The deeper the inner turmoil, the longer I walk. I am fortunate enough to live with green space around me so, I take advantage. I actually miss it. Am I becoming addicted to nature walks?
One last last thing I forgot is to eat nutritious foods. Even if you feel guilty from having a donut, eat an apple anyway or choice of fruit. Healthy foods keeps your mind and body running so, you can work on the tough mental stuff. And drink lots of water throughout the day. I love water!
Anywho, to keep emotions in check:
-Shift thinking, use gratitude to adjust your mindset
-Shifting to a positive mindset opens up to creativity
-Meditate to clear the mind chatter and reduce emotions
-Read, expand knowledge to help shift your thinking
-Nature walks or any exercise activity that helps you release some of that bad energy
Why am I thinking about that song “Wake me up before you go-go”? By Wham!
Funny band name.
Sounds like a good positive song for the morning.
Have you read the book “Morning Miracles” by Hal Elrod? He writes about a wonderful morning routine that helps sets the tone of the day for success before 8 am. The trouble with that is well, if you are like me, waking up before 8am is tough unless you have an early morning job or any other life circumstance.
So many people have their own versions of morning routines. I do not follow a particular routine myself but, one thing is important about this routine.
The consistency and the intention setting to positivity is so important to having a good day.
It is so fantastic to be able to wake up early and be able to read in the morning, do a little exercise, and journal. Well, if you read the book, you know the acronym “SAVERS”, you know what I mean. For me, you have to drag me out of bed. I love my sleep!
Intentionally setting up positivity to your day is important. Game changer!
Even if you end up with a crappy day, there is something good about it. That positive intention sticks on your mind. It keeps you running when things do go south during your day. I understand this now.
The challenge would be to apply this to a busy day! Waking up with limited time for breakfast because being an early bird is not in your routine.
Rushing in the morning to work and then being slammed with a rush of work right when you walk into the office. Let me take off my coat at least. Shish! Gosh, I do not miss that!!
I am so blessed right now with my sweet time waking up.
Enjoy my mornings even though it is late morning.
Anyway, you can spiritually do this. You can imagine a ball of light and think of all the good things you want for the day. Or simply feel the good energy of positive affirmations. I love Pinterest for this. One social media that is pretty beneficial.
Start the day with creating a beautiful, successful, productive, loving day with lots of hugs & kisses from your family, happy day even if you miss your train that will get you to work right on time!
I fortunately, have so much free time of late that I have been trying to listen in. I am always in search of my calling. Am I leading myself to my calling? Is there something else I should be doing?
“Follow your heart, it knows the way”
I recently listened to the audiobook version of Oprah Winfrey’s, “The Path Made Clear”. One message she clearly states is that the Universe is always whispering to you. It is whether you hear it or not. The Universe talks to you in whispers and ignoring this can send your life down. I must admit I have been distracting myself and if I do sense something, maybe I have pushed it aside.
Use of free time
I know this free time is perfect to figure myself out. In between looking for jobs, I am learning about my values. I am learning what I feel is right and not what others tells me is right. This is a wonderful opportunity to continue improving myself. Self-improvement is ongoing. It is nonstop. Growth is a constant thing in life. If you are not growing, you are not really living. Growth is different for everyone.
For me, well, I am still working on that slowly. I realized I still have trust issues from past relations with people. I may have healed some but, I must learn to let new people in when someone comes into my life. This will be tough as I still have some self-doubts.
Maybe the Universe is telling me I still have some more work to do before I am ready for that next job. Is that why I keep getting rejected from the jobs I do want? As the saying goes, rejection is God’s protection.
Where am I being redirected to?
Don’t be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart”
–Roy T. Bennett
if you don’t follow your heart, you might spend the rest of your life wishing you had
Staying clear minded and positive is tough. Winter is here and it has been mostly dark. The last couple days were sunny and beautiful almost as if Spring was teasing a bit. Yesterday was beautiful. I think other people were enjoying it too. Temperatures have been about 10 degrees so, having just one day of warmth and sun is a nice break!
I am home mostly due to Covid, ice cold weather and no where to go. This can take a toll mentally. I would try to read to take my mind off things but, my anxiety would kick in a little bit and take me off my reading.
My diet has been horrible. I am single and lazy so, I just eat the most convenient foods. I do feel crappy after eating this type of diet so, I have to work on that. Maybe it can improve my moods a little.
I can say working on law of attraction is slightly on hold. I am working on keeping my vibrations high so, I can attract just good flow of energy. That is always good. Keeping myself centered is important for my mental health. It keeps the bad thoughts out and keeps my moods from dipping. Another thing is my lack of creativity. How do you learn how to leave your comfort zone when you are mostly home bound? My mind goes blank.
Even though, I am working on myself internally, the Universe is sending me love through unexpected situations such as a love interest. I never really had one of these. Or maybe I have never noticed anyone interested in me. My mind normally tells me I am not social enough to date or interesting enough nor pretty enough. However, during the holidays as I was focused on my self-love since no one else seemed to care about me. My brother never said Happy Birthday to me but, he text me Merry Christmas on Christmas day. My parents didn’t want to see me on my birthday or even wanted to celebrate it. I insisted. I wanted to see my parents for my birthday! Since no one cared for me, I cared for myself. I bought flowers for myself even though I was sad. I bought candles to watch holiday hallmark movies in the dark. I am a sucker for Holiday Romance movies.
I could’ve let my dark thoughts take over for the holidays. My birthday is right next to Christmas so, I wanted it to feel nice. I by all means do not think I am special but, it kind of hurt me that not even my family wanted to acknowledge me on my birthday. My negativity took me to all these thoughts that were more harmful than helpful to my self-love. I decided even with my sad emotions to just treat myself anyway. I created a beautiful setting to set up my birthday. I bought myself cake, flowers, snacks for movie night alone and treated myself to breakfast, lunch and dinner.
I think that was the important thing during the holidays. Despite no one cared for me, I decided to think there is someone who does care for me and that is myself. And all of a sudden, on my way home from running to the pharmacy, I see this guy in the neighborhood that I never really cared to notice heading to his car. Actually, where did he come from? He was handsome! We ended up looking at each other. He smiled at me. I looked away quickly and he walked away to his destination. I was so surprised. I was shocked he showed interest my way. Normally, people avoid looking at me and just pass me on the street.
Days later, I see him again. He tries to grab my attention. He was standing near his car and I was walking down his direction. Here comes my mistake, I ignored him because I was in a bad mood. I was thinking he would never stay interested in me anyway once he got to know me. I mean, the world never cared to treat me like I mattered so, maybe he would turn out to be just like everyone else after he got what he wanted. I continued to ignore him even after he continued to wave like crazy.
Why do I see this as a mistake? I had to think about it.
It is interesting how no one cared for me in the world including my family on my birthday but, somehow this guy appears on the day and smiles at me. I was outside gathering all the goods to treat myself and this guys appears. How interesting. I know it sounds silly. But, I do not take these things lightly. I take signs from life and I try to read into them. Sometimes, I read too much into them. I am quite a serious person. I wished I hadn’t ignored him when he was waving at me like a maniac to grab my attention from across the street. Why didn’t I take the chance and say hi?
Dream I had last night//
I wake up not too long ago from a dream I had. Some changes with my family. My little brother is becoming serious with his girlfriend. So, I had a dream that I wasn’t invited to his wedding. His wife-to-be was doing the wedding planning and hired a wedding planner. I confronted the wedding planner because she sent out all the invitations in front of a large group of people at a venue. It appears she was organizing some event at this venue which is why there was all these people. I normally, do not confront people nor confront in a large crowd so, my not being invited really upset me. I am the grooms’ sister, how come? She made up a lie about sending it out in the mail. “Maybe it got lost in the mail,” She said. Yeah, right. Everyone else in my dream got an invitation. So, it was obvious I was excluded. I didn’t go any further. I turn away and start walking out of the venue. That’s when I woke up.
I was in such a terrible mood. Since I woke up straight from the dream, my emotions were real and I felt alone. I felt unwanted because people see no worth in me. It took me an hour to switch my mind into thinking it was just a dream. I have to tell myself even if people around me see no worth in me, I have to believe in myself. Somehow, I just have to believe in myself!
Despite how my life appears to others right now, I choose to stand by myself. This is pretty hard because I also share the view of others. It is easy to see that someone with no job, no ambitions currently, and no husband or kids appears very low to society. Especially in an Asian family, I am the oldest which means the oldest is supposed to be married first. But, it is 2021, who is paying attention to these traditions anyway?
I still stand by myself. A chunk of my young adult life was listening to toxic friends who I followed down a bad path. Currently, making up for that time is rough but, I will only keep faith in myself. This is only the beginning which is what I say to myself. My changes are slow. At times, I wonder if there are any changes at all happening to my life. When I exchanged looks with that guy, well that is something there.
I never thought love would ever appear in my life. Not even a hint of it. It gives me hope even though I may have turned down that hope, haha.
My current mental state is to keep on going. Staying positive can only improve my experiences and help me reach my current goals.
When it rains, look for rainbows. When it’s dark, look for stars.
To not worry about the opinion of others but my own.
Keep faith and hope. For myself and for the world. That things can get better.
(And proper diet and exercise to get through this super cold winter!)
I am surrounded by cozy. A lot of articles say comfort zones can be boring and well, it can be. It is staying in what is safe for you. For me, it is preventing me from changing. Times are tough now with omnicron and winter. So, going anywhere would be difficult unless you have family to travel to visit. That is wonderful.
My dream right now is to go to a warm sunny Island and away from gloomy cold winter days of New York. People want to be in New York City for New Years. I prefer to be sipping iced tea at a beach!
One issue is that my comfort zone lies being here in NY. I am afraid to travel because honestly, of my race and how alone I am. That has never stopped anyone. For me, my fears keeps me trapped. Also, I currently am in saving mode since I am still jobless. But, perhaps when I do have the means and things are relaxed a bit from Covid, do I have the will to do it? Travel alone?
I am currently reading up books on comfort zones and law of attraction. I spoke about working on my self-confidence but, I think working on my comforts and breaking out of them would bring up my self-confidence. Things are all connected. And this action would encourage some good changes I am seeking in my life. I can also get away from thinking about my mom and her mental illness for a short while. Am I being too selfish trying to stay clear of her negativity? It would be wonderful if she can come along with me but, she is so negative, she will have 50 reasons not to go.
A good idea is start small by getting the courage to talk to people. Gosh. I fear people and their judgements. I am aware of this but not able to fix this. Pushing myself to do it would be tough. I rather order food through an app than speak my order. Part of this is laziness and mostly I am too “Introverted”. I dislike using these terms you see online such as Pinterest and instagram. People can distort these terms and it becomes a definition different from the traditional definition of a word. So, let’s say I am too shy. Honestly, I’m a scared person to speak up.
I have too many comforts!! Sticking to my comfort zones became more intense for me since Covid started. Since leaving my crazy toxic situation, I have been protecting myself inside this cozy bubble of mine. It started with leaving toxic “friends” and then toxic jobs. Now, its as if anything that makes me happy with ease, I will do it with pleasure. The last two years was all about healing and keeping myself “safe”. The issue with this is now I am in the same place and would like a push to where I want to go.
When will I have the courage to start breaking out of them? I do not know? I have been thinking about this all year long. I even wrote a few posts about comfort zones. I didnt review those posts but this one may be possibly similar to them.
I feel my keeping inside my safe zones delays my self improvement. Not that self-improvement has a deadline because it doesn’t. A time frame exists only if you put one on yourself and call it a goal.
So, do not be like me and challenge yourself to something new and different. Should you make a list of challenges to knock off? Why not? I don’t have a list but I do have my top 3 comfort zones I would love to break out of.
My top three comfort zones I need to break:
1)Being comfortable around people and talking to strangers.
3)Getting past difficulties even when I am very terrible at something. I give up when something is too hard and have lack of support. I give up when I am capable of pulling through.
Thanks for reading! Feel free to share comfort zones you would like to break out of below. Love any comments. Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!!!! Happy 2022!!!!!!!
“if you do not like where you are, move. You are not a tree.”
Ah December! It is the ending of the year and also my birthday month! Yey!! I had ups and downs this year and struggled. I tried hard not to compare myself to those around me which was hard. I have written a post about being lost at age 37 in which I still do feel this way. I’ve been binge watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix so, not much soul searching, haha.
In which, the show reminded me why I stopped watching so many years ago. I do love the story but, the characters were all way too dramatic. I am a very emotional person and even for me the characters can be over the top but, it made it a good show.
Since it is the end of the year, I have been pondering about my 2021 experience. I have been thinking about my goals I set for myself this year and if I did a good job. Maybe I am being harsh in judging my year this way. I think I had some movements, and definitely had some struggles. It is a slow year for me.
One of my goals this year was to return to school for medical assisting. That didn’t go well at all. One program required an entrance exam because it was competitive. I didn’t get in. I tried a different school with a medical assisting program and that failed too due to lack of registered students. I ended up just going back to school for a bachelor’s degree. I didn’t get in full time as I hoped since I had register issues. When I finally cleared those issues, most of the courses were filled. I had quite a struggle with schooling.
Another goal was to get back into the workforce which was also a fail. I lost job opportunities because I was trying to schedule work around school which employers are not nice about it even though they claim they are. I do not have a professional job so, my options are retail positions or front desk positions. I have to say these jobs are high demand jobs that do not care about your personal life. They pay you low and want you to break your back for them with 5 years of experience. I also dealt with toxic employers which I wrote about in a previous post. I can dedicate another personal post about my job experiences but, I will not. I am keeping it simple. I know so many people have horrible jobs out there so people can relate. Bottom line is working for someone else sucks!
I am still searching for the ‘right job’ but, it has to give me work/life balance so I can work on my personal goals and the employer shouldn’t play mind games. So, not only do bosses want to give you shit pay for all your experience and work you to the bone with 10 hour shifts, 30 minute unpaid breaks, no healthcare benefits or any benefits but, they have to play sick games because their own life is boring. I don’t have time for that! And all bosses think your job is easy. Well, they can do it themselves.
Okay, got a bit emotional there! Maybe letting outsome steam will clearout some bitterness.
I am still in quarantine mode since it’s only just me. My class is a hybrid class so, I am mostly at home. I only go out if I need to do errands or groceries. New York is slightly back to normal. Everyone is out and about, going to concerts, bars or movies. I went to target today and I noticed they removed the six feet apart signs. So, slightly back to normal.
Some slight changes. After Target, I went to a grocery store nearby and was treated like a criminal. I had to show my receipt to prove my innocence. I never been so offended in my life!! The cashier still looked at me in disgust as if she knows I stole something but, she can’t prove it. What’s wrong with people? Or do I have a doppelganger they have an image of stealing? I did the passive aggressive thing and went on google to write a bad review about my bad experience. I felt really dirty after the situation.
Maybe I should go back to online purchasing.
Anyway, I have some ups and downs this year. Some good moments and bad ones. My mother’s decline in physical and mental health was another bad one this year. It brought me down a lot. I have been worrying about how to care for her. I have family who watchers her but, her mental decline goes up and down.
It also made me admit to my own mental health. It is not all so great. To be honest, I think I am super sensitive about stuff and take it too personal. So, I can work it out. I’ve thought about therapy but, I’ve done therapy as a teenager. It was a bad experience and do not feel the need or want to go back to therapy. Anytime, I felt sad, my therapist wanted me to go on more pills. The pills did nothing for me except suppress my emotions. This does nothing to help you improve your life. That is a whole other post to write about. I do believe medicine can be of great help in mental health but, not for every person who says they feel sad.
This year could have been better. Maybe I could have done a bit more. Maybe I could’ve gone outside the neighborhood to a museum and be normal. One thing I go back to is how grateful I am to have the support I do have, the home I have, clean water, clean clothes, and any other means to support myself. Maybe I am lost at 37 but, not completely lost. I have a permanent address. I own a computer. I have internet. I have family that still care for me despite my bad past with them. Without all this, I would have nothing. I didn’t satisfy my goals list the way I wanted to but, I did start on some things to better myself. Also, this blog that I had for almost a year. I thought I would have only 5 readers by the end of this year, but I have more than that! A big thank you!
I do not drink alcohol but, if I did, I would have a glass of wine to drink to this. This is a great cause for celebration!
(P.S. This may not be my last post of the year. So, please expect more from me before the year ends)