Gloomy day- after some rain this morning

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Rain usually is great! Washes away all the dirt on the ground and smelly garbage in the air from city trash. Rain helps clears the air. However, bad weather brings moody people and sleepiness.

I am still in a self doubt mode. Its alot of self-reflection of what is it that I want? Currently, I do want to be financially taken care of but going back to my old ways of working is not fulfilling. I do not have a professional career. So going back to my old retail job was something I thought was for me but it wasn’t. I am back at an office job working the front desk but not fulfilling either. What is it that I want? Something to journal about for me.

Everyone is searching for that better way of fulfilling their heart and to also provide for family. I love this about this time. It is truly a time for reflecting on your needs. What makes you truly happy?

Of course there are the negative nay sayers in peoples life. The people that tell you “you are not doing anything with your life”. Or if you are my family, you dont get it told to your face. Instead you get a look! A look. “Oh you quit you’re job. I see.” Followed by a look. I am 37 years old guys! There I said it. I am old. No kids thank god! I think I would have a meltdown if I had children to drag into my “soul searching”. I cant let my babies see me like this. Kids need strong, smart, resilient parents!

Anyway, I continue finding myself! And of course those challenges I spoke about in yesterdays post. I guess it is holding on and getting through them. Theres always something being thrown at you. My next level involves learning my old lessons in life and applying them to my life now. No mistake in life is wasted. Only to better your life!

Ready for the next level but not ready for the challenges. 

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It’s been a time of opportunity for me. I feel blessed yet so, bombarded with obstacles. There are some things in my life I still have to face. These are coming up as challenges. I am not an influencer so like most people I have to live a regular life working a regular job. Do I feel fulfilled? No.

What are my challenges? I have manifested job opportunities and is currently pursuing a bachelors degree. How am I still at my age and not sure where I want to take my life? I haven’t found my “gift” in life. I been listening to Steve Harvey motivational videos on YouTube. He has great points. How life is hard and it is up to you to push through your challenges and learn your gift in life. You are born to be a gift in life. But it is up to you to find what that means. Well, I haven’t found it. I am still searching. Maybe my gift is in front of me and I am just blind to it? 

I tried retail for a bit last month(September) which I’ve done before but I didn’t feel it was right for me. I left that position. 

I found a new position just last week. Actually, I went in for an interview on Monday and I ended up working that same day for my current employer. Is that a sign that this position was meant for me? Well this job did come easier than the previous one I just left. The retail position was harder. There was so many red flags for me. So under pressure from the job, I quit abruptly. Not a grateful way to show an employer appreciation for hiring me. Now a days it’s a blessing for me. I’ve been down on my luck with that. 

Some things happened too besides pressure at the job. My mom had a horrible accident in which she almost died. Thank god for my dad and the EMT! They got to my mom in time! That was quite an event that added to me quitting. It just happened unexpectedly. 

These challenges were not what I thought would happen to me. But they did. 

I am still going through tough challenges. But I guess this is how you are pushed to the next level. Comfort equals staying the same. Discomfort means change. Why does change have to be so uncomfortable? I am still wondering what is the lesson for me? 

During covid I was in such a peaceful state. and now back into the work force during covid times; I am in such an unpleasant place. So much uncertainty. What is the lesson here for me? I will be pondering this for a while until I see where my current situation will lead me to. 

This morning walking to work from the train station, I passed by a hobo with a sign that says, ” Smile. It coulda been worse”. Indeed! I am hanging in there. I hope you are too! 

Believing in myself is a form of self-love

Nature walk this morning


Keeping myself moving this morning. This weekend was a long one with lots of rain from Hurricane Henri. Thankfully, my part of town wasn’t severely affected.

I am trying to keep my walking consistent. And honestly, my body starts to feel uncomfortable when I am not active. And a walk gets yourself out of your head for a while. This is great for my anxiety.

I am keeping positive as I work on my current goals. I am definitely moving in a positive direction with my mindset. Always remember that things may not align for you. You have to go for it. Thinking of an idea is only an idea until you muster up the courage to go for that goal. Sometimes things fall in line once you do that. It may not be what you are destined for but it is a destination. It is a goal to move toward.

I am starting to understand that better now. Especially with using the Law of Attraction. You can create a vision board but that vision board will just stay an art project until you list out goals to accomplish.

-Have a vision. A vision board. I have a digital vision board. It’s filled with short term and long term goals. I adjust my board as I add new goals. You can even add positive images to uplift your mood.

-List out the goals you are looking forward to achieving based on your vision board. They can be a combination of short term or long term goals. Do not worry about being able to achieve them. Just make a list. You can access what is doable and not later.

-Create an action plan for the smallest goals. The smallest goals can take time. I realized that even small goals do not take 3 days or a week to accomplish. Short goals can take 3 months, 6 months. Patience is key.

-Create an action plan for the longer goals. Even if you are not sure if you can achieve them. This is something you can always come back to down the line. But it’s nice to have it written so you see this goal is something you want to accomplish. Sometimes a nice visual list can assist you in creating your vision if that makes sense. You can do it in your head. However, writing it down makes it feel certain on paper. Your mind processes it as “okay, so this is what I have to do”. I do not make a list but, I write about my goals in my journal. I do it this way because I need to process if this is something I can achieve and all that. I know, I should believe in myself more! This is how I brainstorm.

Long acting goals can be set aside unless you are confident you can achieve it. Then you can add a timeline. If you are not sure if you can achieve these goals. Create shorter ones that help you achieve the longer goals. I am currently working on that now. I am not sure if I’ll get to where I need to go. But I am setting a course of action to get there.

-Action. Start acting on short goals. These are easily to obtain so you start making your move based on your plan. And sometimes things do not work out. All plans are adjustable.

  • Believe in yourself – trusting yourself to achieve what you want to accomplish is a great form of self-love. You want better for yourself. Believe that you can do it. Keep pushing and if the plan doesn’t work out. It can go out of plan and if that is so, than make a plan B. Sometimes, you may have to create another plan as you go. But you stay the course to your goal.

  • another way of showing belief in yourself and in your goals is to act as if you achieved it. Believe that it is possible! For example, If you are thinking about being employed again, create an interview outfit. How would you dress to impress. Make a work bag full of essentials for when you do have to go into the office. Have your work bag ready with your needs so you are set at work. Believe that you will have a job. In the meantime, send out resumes. If one job doesn’t work out, keep sending it. Even if you have to send it out 50 times. This example may be a bit too much but, it’s acting as if you have the goal is what helps you realize the achievement. And maybe in a unexpected moment you may get a call.

-Push yourself and do not give up. It’s always tough but staying in your comfort zone is not going to take you anywhere. Do not be afraid to be uncomfortable. I noticed the what seems so simple is not so simple. With enough consistency, you can get through it. Plus a high amount of patience. If you get frustrated, step back. Take a break. Watch a funny video. When you are ready. Start again.

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I am currently working on believing in myself. This is a new thing because I never did believe in myself. Constantly thinking I can’t “do this”. Sulking in “I can’t do that”. It didn’t lead to anything. Only more heart break. I am slowly shifting out of that.

The Law of Attraction is not exactly as they say it is. In reality it is patience and consistency that leads to where you want to go. Things do not just appear. It is a series of actions that create the end result. Although, the law of attraction is still what it is. If you believe in it, it will be done. Everyday I am constantly learning about the law of attraction and how it applies to my daily life. I am continuing to learn.

Becoming Motivated with the Power of Positivity

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My journals have been quite a successful way for me to change my mindset. I am currently making it a daily practice. My negative mindset does pop back up. It’s always going to be there as I realize this daily. Everyday, I can think something negative easy however, with the journal exercises, I am learning to think a positive thought in replacement. This is exciting progress for me here. I am someone who has been so hard on herself all my life. This is quite a change!

The positive affirmations has made me realize do I want to continue repeating negative things about myself and have thoughts based on my past experiences or do I want to create a new story for myself? I decided I do want to create a new story for myself. The positive affirmations is a excellent assistant to start this new story.

I still have the anxiety and worry that comes with negativity of course, as I mentioned in the above paragraph. But, the improvements in a few weeks just make me push more towards completing my goals. My current goals are the results of this positive thought process which I will explain later.

So, continuing my affirmations and gratitude is a must for me. My external environment may not change dramatically right now. Nor, will it change to the way I would like it to be. However, I am looking forward to the changes coming to me as I do these exercises daily. I’ve been having a different attitude even with the negativity. It is more 50% positivity as I used to have 20% positivity.

My current life is still met with some difficulties but, I am so motivated to push through it. I am seeing it more as a challenge to solve problems as situations arise during my day.

My old way was to let the situation ride out and not think too hard about it. This response well, didn’t work out. I am motivated to find a different way to getting what I need. Instead of seeing blocks, I am motivated to push past this belief. Instead of seeing a brick wall, I am changing my mindset and looking at it as an adjustable wall partition that can be moved to create room for something else. Therefore, my wall is no longer intimidating. That was probably not the best analogy but, I hope it is understandable.

Positivity is a motivator. Any blocks you are currently going through, think of it as there’s always another way. See past the limitation.

I feel like I am still at the beginning of a journey. Lots of tough things going on in this world. I am going to get through it as best as I can. Building a positive story instead of continuing on the road of negativity is a great direction towards progress. Being positive within my own mindset and creating that inner peace is so comforting. And it makes me seek out more. To progress….

Back to the beginning: Refocusing my negativity to positivity

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My focus as late has been on getting back into the workforce. I didn’t focus too hard because my main priority was getting myself out of a negative loop again. My brain really likes to make me miserable. Well, I see where it takes me and that is not the direction I wish to go anymore. So, I am actively motivating myself to switch out of this mindset.

I had some setbacks that sort of put me in a bad mood for a while. I binged on netflix to try to drawn it out. While it was fun, I had to address the main issue. My emotions. I went back into meditation. I have to ground myself again. No more binging on netflix.

The hardest thing about being at your lowest point in life is breaking out of that negativity. I am back to where I was a year ago. I am full of negative thoughts telling me I am not worthy of a better job and any other negative beliefs.

So, I took action. I created a gratitude journal and a affirmations journal. I bought separate books to create them. One book for gratitude and one book for affirmations. As a daily exercise, I work on both books. At least 15 minutes to work on them. If I am feeling extra negative, I take longer to work on the books.

Some of the gratitude I wrote down reminded me of how blessed I still am. It may not put the negativity away immediately but, the more I listed of what I was grateful for, the more I was present and the more I became at ease. Its an excellent way of getting out of the mind (especially my mind) and reminding myself I am at peace around me. Being present is the best way to keep away from the negativity.

My affirmations journal is my physical way of shifting my negative thoughts out of my mind. I enter positive ones by repeatedly writing affirmations. Sometimes I create my own and sometimes I just copy affirmations from google searches. Repeating affirmations out loud wasn’t helping me. So, I changed the method on how I repeated affirmations.

It seemed to work. Meanwhile, I submitted resumes to places I felt I was qualified for. I randomly did it even though, I may not get a reply.

I was amazed this week to find a message from an employer asking me to go in for an interview. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out which is fine because during the interview, I felt management and I will not work well together. I had jobs in the past where management was horrible. No support. My management only took advantage of my work ethic. My coworkers as well. They would slack off because they knew I would do the work. I am no longer interested in toxic environments. Even during these tough times, I am going to be careful in my selection. This interview that I stressed out for reminded me of those old times at work. When you are the little guy at a company, you are expected to put out hard work without complaints. You are thrown multiple tasks to complete and expected to meet demands at top speed for minimum dollar. According to management, you are paid top dollar. If you do not meet the demands, you are “lazy”. If you do meet the demands, you are “expendable”. You are damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. I feel this is toxic. I can do the work, but I feel differently about that now. Maybe I am just reliving bitterness from old jobs. Regardless, I would like to change that.

My new manifesting objective is to manifest supportive and an awesome management team and coworkers. I am thankful of that interview because it reminded me that right now I am not interested in how many dollars I make. I am interested in the team I am surrounded by and the type of workplace environments I am looking for. Then the dollar is next.

Anyone manifesting career or work, I hope you are blown away by the awesome work you find or opportunities you find. Everyone deserves a better career path that supports them in every way.

To sum it up, my affirmations journal is my amazing helper as of late. Anyone else feeling negative, I suggest journal exercises. It’s an amazing way to focus your mind. It helps you focus your thoughts and purposely direct your thoughts. I have even been trying art journaling but, I am lacking the resources to be creative. So, I only create normal journals. For example, looking for material like magazines to create collages in my books. I am working on that.

To leave the negative mindset:

  1. Ground yourself. Be present and meditate. Stay calm and focus your mind. Stay focused even when things are out of your control. A focused mind helps you be creative.

2. Be thankful. Create a journal where you write 3-5 things you are grateful for during your day.

3. Repeat affirmations or create an affirmations journal. Journaling is a awesome exercise to help you out of a negative mind. It helps you focus your thought. It is a very effective tool.

My actual journals

4. It can be tough but, trust that the Universe will provide the best to you. Stay calm and know that better is on your way to you. The more you focus on this and trust it, the more it arrives. You can also listen to gratitude meditations. Shift your emotions towards positive even when things are not always great.

Self-Reflection

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I have nothing but time to move as slow as I need to. To ponder and self-reflect although my reflection is not going anywhere. I used to work fast jobs where being fast drained me. Why did I work so hard at being fast I am not sure. Maybe I wanted to prove that I am worthy of any position I had. I’ve always had a tough time finding positions. Sometimes, I am lucky. And there were times that I was not.

Currently, I am still able to move at my own speed according to my own schedule. I am grateful for that. Being bored is a privilege because a lot of people can’t afford that!

With storms and high humidity, I do lay low on some days and when the weather permits I like to roam around and go to nature. It makes great exercise. To be connected. Sometimes, I feel like I am disconnected. The weather is excellent today and I was glad other people felt that way too because my nature walk included some strangers from my neighborhood. That was comforting. Even though, I have my introverted ways it’s nice to be surrounded by people at times.

I got some wonderful photos from the walk minus the elephant picture. I see these every time I go for a walk but it looks different when I capture it on camera at a close up angle. Helps me be more mindful when I become lost in thought during my walks. Even found some fruit trees which amazed me.

I don’t have any creative outcome from my latest self-reflections and it’s more about whether I have grown or not. I am hoping I have. My mentality is still the same. That negativity is so persistent!!

It is hard to be positive at times when you don’t see any rewarding outcomes. But, I will try to look forward to something positive to appear. That is the best I have right now.

quote from Pinterest:

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step in your life.” – Unknown author

Goal of the day

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The goal is to enjoy every minute of today! If you have the time, slow down and be aware of every movement you do. The joy of cooking. The smell of the grass if you are near greenery, enjoy the sounds of birds, enjoy a favorite beverage, enjoy a favorite snack, maybe write in a journal or art journaling. I hope you get to do something that is the highlight of your day and makes you smile!

Carpe Diem

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I struggle to be positive and I am realizing more and more that it only makes me more negative. I always think about the what if’s which is not being present. I am present in my worries. I am reminding myself that I should just live my day as best as I can.

Carpe Diem- seize the day! Live as I chose to live. Not thinking too much. Living in the now. If an opportunity comes up I shall take it.

I have to learn to be patient.

I have to learn to grateful in today.

I learn to be present.

I learn to seek solutions not create more problems.

I learn that fear is an illusion. And also a limitation.

I learn that “i am who I choose to become” a quote by Carl Jung.

So, savor the flavor of coffee if that is your thing or your favorite drink of choice. Set a goal to have a fantastic day. Be grateful for this present day. Carpe Diem.

Grateful for Abundance

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At the beginning of the month- I looked at my finances for the previous month and whoa! I definitely spent! Wow! I didn’t know so much was going out of my pocket because I didn’t care. I just purchased to my hearts content with some restraint. I did some summer wardrobe updating and bought this and that.

It also hit me that I spent that amount last month not on anyone else. No one manipulated me to spend that much. It was my own choice! Now it’s been a little over a year later, freedom from my manipulative friends feel so good! It still feels new. 

My mind still plays old memories like a movie. The memories activating old wounds that I feel deeply but I am learning how to get past it and become aware of my present day! My present day is very awesome! I may not have consistent income where I feel comfortable and safe financially as I used to when I was employed but, still feel abundant! My spending from last month proves it! 😀

I still have nightmares and am battling negative emotions that still come to the surface, my journey is still ongoing. To have what I want to manifest, I cant have room for the old. The old has to be released so I can open up to the new. Until then, I won’t have many things manifest yet. 

I am working on small victories. Overcoming my shadow self. Constantly I am battling negative emotions. Negative mindset. Maybe some slight depression but, I remember to bring love into my life. My family reminded me of how much they care for me is a great gesture in their way they are always there. That is a simple thing maybe I do take for granted. 

Not Alone

I say I am alone in the world but I do have people around me. May not be the best/closest relationships but, I do have a support system. I am around love! 

When I doubt, I look for things to be grateful for. And to be honest, sometimes my depression still overrides the things I am grateful for. When they say, you can’t be grateful and sad at the same time- I think I can!

“Someone is praying for what I have” is a saying I read somewhere. One of those Pinterest quotes I read to inspire myself daily. I still look for the positives no matter how negative it gets for me. That’s the only way to remind myself of the good in my life. Yes, it’s not the life I want. But this moment isnt forever, I am sure some changes will come about sooner or later. 

There are moments where I do smile while sitting by myself pondering about my life. Some things that has happened to me randomly puts a smile on my face. For example, an adorable corgi running over to me at the park a couple weeks ago wanting to play with me. My heart melted for the dog! So loving and so happy to see me! I was just a stranger at the park! These moments reminds me how being grateful daily really can override those bad thoughts. 

Those struggling with negativity/positivity I hope you try a daily grateful journal. I have one which I do forget to write in it daily. Maybe that’s why my negativity returns. With faith, something I manifested will come. The Universe is waiting for me to work on myself. I aim to do just that constantly. Daily.

I do feel some slight changes on the way. Or is that the feeling of faith? 

Some grateful things in my life of course is the usual, warm bed in a home that provides warmth or cold from the outside elements. I have a shower. Thankful for fresh water. 

I am thankful to have 3 meals a day! And snacks in between!

I am thankful for the support of my family. Without them, I would be truly alone! 

And when I think about it, I am abundant. My needs are met. I am slowly learning how to appreciate all that I currently have and not focus on materials. I do not speak of it here but that includes my crystal collection. A portion of my spending last month went into that. I was obsessed thinking healing with stones will truly change me. When in fact, true healing is showing belief in myself and what already exists in my life. I am surrounded by stuff that makes me happy. I do not need any more! I am grateful for this realization! 

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P.S. —- of course, I will continue my crystal meditations. I do believe the crystal energies assist me in my healing.

Grateful for My Brother


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Over the last few years. The role of my little brother has changed and he became my big brother. He has grown onto his own. He is an interesting person. While I depended on my emotions and wrecked my life following anger, he followed his own path of doing better for himself. He searched for ways to better his life not by emotion but by determination and willpower. He doesn’t believe in luck, he believes in proactive solutions to issues. 

Just a brief overview of My parents they were toxic and they were terrible parents. Fulfilling their own American dreams as immigrants from another country and raising their kids. To be a bit harsh, my mom sort of treated my brother and I like chicken hens in a farm. Letting us roam free and hopefully we provide successful eggs for profit. No emotional attachment. Be free. Go to school and become the best you can be. Although, my parents added toxic environment to that. Constant fighting. My father had an angry temper and bullied her daily. Yet she loved him. And threw all her anger at me. And when he could get away he went on “vacations with his friends”. Who knows what he did on his “vacations”. 

Present day, my brother has sort of manifested without realizing he did. He created a life from what he believed he can create for himself. 

My life has been slow going. The news reports unemployment is high yet my neighbors, family and family friends all have jobs except for me. I appear to be not working on myself according to my family even though I try my best. Of course even during covid, being jobless still means your not trying hard enough to people. Yet, I have to overcome these judgements. 

I work on my manifestations. And when I see the opportunity I try and use them. Does it work out? Well, if I continue to try maybe I can get somewhere soon enough. 

My little brother has become the older one, who provides a great example of creating the life you want the way you envision it. It may not be the best life but, through constant proactive actions, you can get to another level. 

Must keep going.