A few months ago, when I first started this position I have now, I thought I landed something amazing. Eventually, my rose-colored glasses cracked then I saw how toxic of a place I was in. In fact, I am lucky because I can tell this company used to be a lot worse. This company has a revolving door where too many people left this place!
I am fortunate to have a job! I try to remind myself this! Although on the bad days, I forget about this gift of a job I have!
On the good days, I forget about my bad manager. And the things I want to complain about are about my manager! He is H.R.! How ironic! Everyone at work thinks I’m an idiot. They are mean and if you show that you learn slowly, they refuse to teach you. I can’t express myself to anyone at the company because some of them are double-crossing co-workers, and they dislike me. I work in a place full of females where they try to keep the catty behavior down. Only because I expressed how I wanted to leave after witnessing catty behavior.
I just want to work in a company where training is done properly, my manager doesn’t talk down to me when he himself doesn’t know how to communicate with people, well, let me not get too much into it. I read some Reddit postings about some crappy job situations and I am thankful I am not in there. I wouldn’t handle a place to that degree! Even this mild toxic workplace compared to people’s stories I have a hard time to handle.
I personally think they are trying to get me to quit on my own. I am working on that. That means dealing with the way my manager speaks to me when he’s the idiot for many more days. Too many days already if you ask me. And dealing with people speaking about how dumb I am. This company doesn’t fulfill what I seek in a position.
The operations manager who I grown to dislike because she was the one to trick me into thinking this company cares and there are some great perks I will be getting along with some great people in this company. All lies! When she backs off and not involve herself in situations the management do whatever they want which is the opposite of what she says.
I wanted to stay until the middle of next year before taking more college credits as I am currently in school to complete my degree.
I am uncertain of how I can get to that goal.
I feel stuck.
My manifestation of a job came true however, I attracted a position that is toxic.
I am currently trying to re-center myself before going back to manifesting.
I have gotten depressed. And afraid to find a job should I find another toxic company. I had so many toxic companies or companies that rather work me as a work horse rather than see me grow.
I am no longer interested in that. I have a new direction I am going for. Of course the ideal is great job and benefits with loads of paid time off, a job that respects time off since I do need to recharge periodically. I am seeking management that is encouraging and cares for my progress instead of treat me like a slave.
I wanted to quit this weekend. I have been calling out a lot because so have so much discomfort with this company. My current thinking is leaving at my time due to the bad economy and not when they want me to leave. Let’s see if I can make that come true. I am running out of patience with this company. I have been with this company about 7 months now.
We are taught to be loud and express our selves to the world.
I however do not do that. I live life as a quiet person. People do not like that about me. It is true I am hiding in my silence. But, sometimes, it’s just easier to stay quiet. No drama.
But, I don’t really attract people especially expressive people to me. I have coworkers who dislike me as a person. Actually, ALL of them dislike me. They just each show it to me in their own way. Which is fine. To each’s own, right?
Do I care? Okay, I will be honest, yes I do care.
Will these peoples thoughts of me improve my life? Will these opinions of me change my life?
Will these opinions of me improve the world? Will I be a better person by thinking about the number of coworkers that dislike me? NO!
During Covid quarantine, life was simpler and quieter. I loved that calm life and miss it actually. Going back to work showed me how much meaner the world is. Or maybe, it always was super mean but, I ignored that. I chose to see life as simple and rosy! These coworkers of mine showed me that bitterness and mean people are going on very strong!
People love drama, get into fights or cause issues.
Yet, I still want to get into a healthier work life. This work life is not it! I am trying to live a life true to me! True to me is to be around healthy co-workers that support each other not, ignore each other, pick on each other, or accept toxicity in the work place. I don’t want to hear an arguement between coworkers either. I want to be in a healthy environment.
When things are slow going, remembering to keep on even when it is tough! In my early years in life I used to go about life without an aim. I never aimed to achieve anything and things felt empty. Everyone else around me had goals and went for them. I, however, just went with life and hoped it took me to someplace good in life.
That is not the correct mindset. Do not over stress yourself to achieve something but, aim to get somewhere. Have a plan. If you create a vision for yourself, there must be steps to get there. This will guide you to where your end goal is.
Right now, I still have uncertainty in my life. I am trying to get by life alone. Now I have some kind of vision for myself. It’s not a lavish lifestyle that I look for but, a happy life.
One goal towards my big vision for myself is getting a driver’s license. I achieved that on Thursday! At the very beginning of driving, I thought I was never going to get it. I am a slow learner and I was frustrated with myself. But, I finally passed on my second try! I am so proud of myself! I never thought this day would come!
It’s a small step towards what I envision for myself but it feels good to get something crossed off my list!
It’s a great feeling and a reminder to not give up even when things do not seem like it is going well. Remember the vision and the goals! And if it’s slow getting to your point, keep going anyway! Remember what you are going after! Don’t give up!
Not a very Fourth of July heading. but it turns out I am still healing.
I now realize that there is always more healing and more self-improvement to do. Things change slowly and the more self-improvement you do, the more things shift. It’s just being open to that uncomfortable feeling when you are going through these changes.
Letting yourself stay the same or continue the healing is always the question. Healing is not comfortable. With my current position, I realized I still have negativity I thought I healed within me. I can do more to improve my mindset and how I accept challenges.
The minute a challenge arrives I want to run. Is it worth going through this uncomfortable feeling?
I would love a cheat sheet for life but, that is not how life is. Creating that life path you love is not easy.
It is July. It’s time to evaluate my list of goals. This evaluation is a part of my healing process.
Almost the end of the year, and I am looking back at my accomplishments this year. These are slow going list of accomplishments that I started last year. I am still in progress since last year. I thought I would finish a couple of goals on my list. I have not.
Now it is time to evaluate how far or how uncomfortable I am willing to go to get more of my list accomplished.
As far as my healing goes, I have to evaluate my self-esteem. I have been attracting some negativity since beginning my new position back in February. This position is full of toxic people that make me doubt myself. My mind has resorted back to negative thoughts. My low energy has attracted more negative people and situations that has brought my self- esteem down even more.
I need to return back to my peaceful self during quarantine times. That happy self. I need to go back to that time of peace amidst this current toxicity.
Not only my current toxicity but, political toxicity. So much going on in the world. But, the best thing I can do right now is control my immediate world.
I wanted to write about this before. Actually, the day after my last post which was my mother’s day post. Even though I have gone backwards into my negativity, I still see if I have a spark of the law of attraction in me. I happily asked for the Universe for something free. I can do free coffee but I already get free coffee with my dunkin app. So, I asked the Universe, “surprise me because I dont know what I need that can be free”.
Later on that day, I saw my parents for dinner. My mother presented to me a free $20 metrocard to use for public transportation. She received it but she doesn’t use public transportation as much as I do so, she gave it to me.
Wow! The law of attraction is always there.
I just never stay in a positive mode. (Add on: In order to attract more good to you, you have to be in positive mode. You have to be in state of openness which means be open to receiving good.)
A toxic work environment. My mom’s illness. Doing poorly in school but, I am still going to try. Just things just do not work out. All these things plus all the negative stuff going on in the world just keeps me down.
I am trying to reframe my mind.
I am fortunate enough to be able to listen to podcasts while I work. I am trying to reframe my mind but honestly, my powerful negative mind is constantly taking over. It’s a major battle in my head and sometimes, I do get sick of my own mindset.
Why did I allow myself come so far in this negativity?
If I can reframe my mind and stick to it consistently, maybe I can find some resolution to my issues. Or maybe find a whole new path. I am looking for a better situation yet, I keep myself stuck where I am.
With the end of my semester coming to a close soon. I feel lighter and more free to be honest to go back to my spiritual practice. It’s tough because my surroundings are not helpful to my practice so my internal talk just follows my outside or external influences. This is a lesson in itself.
How do you practice self-love and protect my energy when the external forces brings these bad emotions? These emotions causes these bad thoughts that brings me down.
I am treated poorly lately by those around me. I also get into some negative situations which tells me how my internal world affects my external.
Sometimes, I have decent energy only if I am in the positive mode. I receive positivity back only if my internal talk is good. My internal world.
This acknowledgement allows me to revisit my internal world. It signals my brain, “it’s going back again. Your getting negative.”
I’m trying to remind myself that life shouldn’t be only about my internal world. I believe the negative internal world brought my mom to this mental illness.
I was embarrassed to name what she has but, here goes:
She has schizophrenia with delusions.
She is currently in her own battle. She had a hard life when I was growing up and it angers me that now she is at a comfortable place where she can be free and happy, a mental illness takes that away from her.
She refuses to leave the house almost as if she is ashamed. She refuses to acknowledge that she has an illness. A denial I seen throughout my life. She always denied so many things. That angers me to. If you do not face things, then how do you overcome them?
I took advantage this morning to take a walk. Get my energy flowing with nature. Just to help me walk off some frustrations. It feels great! I saw this word, “lost” and it made me think. Here I am writing about it.
I am still on my quest in life using the law of attraction. My internal world still needs major work in order for my life to change. I haven’t had the energy to push myself outside my comfort zone. I am extremely stubborn. It’s also the reason why my life remains at a plateau.
If only I can shove myself to start something. Just to leave my comfort zone.
I have been meaning to write for a while now. I have nothing interesting to write. Nothing motivational to write. I have been very ill shortly after starting my new position. I am currently contemplating quitting my new position becuase the people who work with me are highly toxic. It is hard to stay positive and spiritual when I am around them. Coming back to work reminds me that many people do not practice gratitude, spirituality, positivity and peace. It is actually a reality check. Being unemployed for so long kept me away from the harsh reality of life. I think that was a great thing. Now that I am back, I feel like I am in a different world.
Sometimes, I wonder why I am going through what I am going through. My mother’s mental illness made a turn for the worst as she has been diagnosed with a mental illness. I am not ready to reveal what that is yet. It has been discouraging. Since my illness, I have been having a hard time concentrating on my school work. I am not doing so great as the semester ends. I may end my semester with a C. It makes me realize that school is not for me but, I will continue. I seek to finish school as long as school will have me and my grades will keep me in school. I dropped one class due to my illness. I struggled to keep up with my readings and work full time.
Happy Mother’s Day to those celebrating Mothers.
A lot of pain with my mom lately. I am struggling with how to help my mother and her mental illness. Perhaps it is associated with her menopause? I wished there was more research I can find on this topic. I am angry at my mom but worried at the same time.
My mother’s mental health change has been going on for some time but, I am not sure why now that there is name to her mental illness, I feel worse. Almost as if I was in denial, but now it is official with her diagnosis.
Currently, I am lacking motivation in my life as well in manifesting. I have to relearn to build inner peace as I work with my outside environment. It is tough. I realize I am more sensitive to the negativity around me than I thought.
Life is constantly throwing a problem to solve. The issue is overcoming the challenge. What is overcoming a challenge?
It is going through it.
You are constantly finding a solution.
Is this the right way to this?
What is the lesson in this situation I am in?
And when you think you found an answer, over the challenge a new one arrives. And then back at square one.
No matter how big or small a challenge,
A challenge is a challenge.
Looking forward to more better days! Hoping for the best. When there’s darkness, there is light.
It is easy to become negative. A challenge will bring opposition to you and all the lessons that built your problem-solving mind. The mind will go to that bad place where all you see is bad outcomes. Or you can try to change that mindset and look forward to the good outcomes.
No matter the struggle, chose to go towards the positive. The Universe will provide the rest! Push through that negative. Tell your negative mind to “shut up!”
I see its almost a month since my last post. I have been busy with a new schedule. All that previous talk about finding a job, well, I finally found one. I am working and going to school so most of my time is used up. I am getting better at scheduling my time so, I finish my school work and have a free moment such as now to write here on my blog.
I am probably just going to vent during this blog or maybe just update about myself.
My new job has been treating me well so far. I am socially awkward so, I am not liked by all there but, hey its a job. I couldn’t believe I got the job since I have been waiting for so long for something decent to come along.
I manifested it by revisiting my needs in a job. I wrote out a list of what I was seeking in a job. After I was done, I let it go. I was feeling doubtful I would find something suitable for me but, I was staying hopeful I will find something close to my list. I continued on with my routine. And BAM! I get an email to go in for an interview when I least expected it.
On the day of the interview, I used the public bus to get to the interview. To my amazement, that ride was free for some reason. Whatever, the reason was, I was grateful. Was that a sign that the job was it for me? Is it possible a job could be the right fit for me? I have been searching for so long.
The Universe always has a way of sending you signs. That bus ride was a sign.
I doubted myself after the interview.
Then another, BAM! I get the job.
Whatever I am dealing with at my current job, I am still grateful. All jobs are not perfect since dealing with people can always become complicated. Many different personalities can conflict. Maybe my lesson is to learn how to deal with my social challenges in a work environment.
When I come home from work, I focus on my school. I am in school entirely online which is convenient. Technology can be amazing! Less travel, just focus on assignments. School is a challenge with full time work but, it is doable. Honestly, it’s also tiring. Why did I decide to take 3 classes?
My energy vibrations have been low. My body is constantly exhausted since I wake up 6:00am for work now instead of 10:00am. My mind and body is not at its strongest. Today, is the first day in a few weeks where I have a free moment after class work to go out, take a walk, enjoy a healthy meal made at home, have tea/coffee, dessert, do errands, and focus on my physical and spiritual self. Today is my day that I am bringing myself back to the self that I was before my schedule changed. I realized how rest is so important to maintain my high vibrations. I went from sleeping 8-10 hours(don’t judge-I love my sleep) to 5 hours during the week. If I am extremely tired, I will nap after work but, lose time for my class work. But, I chose my body first.
My meditation practice has gone. To my amazement, the hiring manager at my workplace is also a spiritual teacher. She offers meditation class on Fridays. What a connection! I am grateful. This is mostly when I have time to practice my meditations.
I remind myself today to put my energy into something creative or just let out my energy and I chose to write here on my blog and let people know what I am up to. Creativity keeps your spirit high and positive. It is an outlet. Channel that energy, let out the negative and create good vibes!
Anyway, stay love and light! Continue to manifest the life of your dreams one day at a time!!
Before I go on with this post, I just wanted to announce some news that I am now monetizing this site. Not in a big way but I have added Wordads to my posts. I hope they do not become too annoying on this blog. I am trying this out.
Now onward with the post:
Emotions promote inner turmoil or inner peace. Keeping your emotions in check is super important. In my journey, I realized that being internally peaceful and calm is ideal to creating a harmonious life. Its also a great assistant to manifesting all the good you want in your life.
This has been the most painful part of my life yet, the most life changing part of my life. Learning how to control my emotions.
Controlling emotions doesn’t come easy from someone who was been angry with the world up to the recent past. That’s so many years of anger. 30+ years. Learning how to cope with it takes so much discipline.
Self-improvement is constant.
I see the benefits in changing my emotional well-being. Not too long ago, I felt that I wasn’t making much change in myself but then things slowly started shifting for me in my life. Nothing major happening just small enough to make me think, something is changing internally.
Finally, I realize the what the saying means, “change your thoughts, change your life”. I have been on this path of self- healing and learning how to adjust my inner thinking. Yet, I didn’t see how much it has impacted me as a person.
Being aware of your thoughts.
First thing is changing thinking and mindset. Become aware of the thoughts your thinking. Your emotions will not calm down unless your mindset adjusts and sees things in a new way. And then emotionally, things will shift as well.
I never realized I easily I became affected emotionally by things until 2020. I began to meditate. Meditating changed my life.
I am so embarrassed to say I am still a moody person even for my age. I am working on that.
If I didn’t land a job after an interiew, I can be in a pretty bad mood for some time. I realized not a good thing. I could pass up on an opportunity like when I passed that cute guy on my block trying to get my attention. I ignored him because I was in a “bad” mood.
Good attitude towards life
Emotions create an attitude which dictates the outlook of how you see life during the day, week, month, et cetera. I have to reframe the negative situation: Losing out on a job could mean there is something better for me. Once I changed that thinking, my emotions will shift and allow me to see the good that can possibly come to me. Therefore, create a good outlook and attitude towards life.
I have been extra interested in positivity and how it affects the mind. Being positive can have an affect on creativity as well. Positivity keeps your mind open to new things which creates resilience and problem-solving. Instead of going, “life sucks. I stink”, I can think, “what’s next for me?” This thinking can lead to so many possibilities. Embrace the challenges. This may not lead to an “aha!” moment immediately but, something will come up and miraculously appear slowly.
Always when it is least expected.
I am currently focusing on my emotions to keep my mindset positive.
Meditation is a fantastic tool to stay centered. I will admit that my cluttered mind has altered the effectiveness of my recent meditation sessions but, I still go through with it because I can still receive benefits. Hey, I may not be able to shut off all of my sad, negative, or angry thoughts of the day. I can still calm myself down a bit. And my blood pressure too, haha. It makes a difference.
It’s not necessary to do anything special to be able to receive healing from meditation. Simply find a 10 minute meditation session on YouTube and just breathe with the session. It helps.
Keeping the bad mind chatter to a minimum.
Anyone who has constant mind chatter knows what I mean. It is hard to tell yourself “shut up“. Your mind will be quiet for a minute and then get right back on it.
Positive Affirmations to keep down mind chatter
You can use affirmations. I do understand sometimes certain life situations do not allow you to talk nicely to yourself. How can you apply positive affirmations when things get tough?
Maybe rethink a situation in your mind? Discuss in your mind, what is my fear in this situation? What can I do to reframe my thinking?
If I lost a job opportunity, what do I fear? Well, it’s almost 2 years now and I may never get a job. I am not likeable.
How can I rethink this? Use gratitude to shift mindset: I have support from my family and a warm home to go to so I do not freeze in 20 degree weather. I can take my time to find the right fitting job for me.
Reframe the mindset.
List out all the positives that creates that good feel. Using my job search example:
-I seek a positive work environment with support and growth possibilities
-Good team of people and encouraging management
-Using my talents properly
-a position close to my home so less travel
Journal: write it down
I’m a major fan of journaling. I do this everyday. whether it is to dump out my feelings, fears, brainstorming, even dump mindchatter. I write as often as I can and it helps me. My mind feels lighter when I release my thoughts into a journal.
Keep shifting the mindset
Getting used to shifting your mind is so frustrating at first. You are engulfed in emotions that take over your mind and body. To add, this thinking can take a lot of work in the beginning and can even be frustrating. It feels like fighting yourself in your mind sometimes. However, negative emotions are distracting you from balancing the inner self. I have been there. But, keep pushing even if shifting to this new mindset is hard at first. Keep doing it. The end result is how resilient you become after working on this change. Always think, how can I make this situation better? Or what is another way of seeing this situation?
Change your thinking, change your life!
Heard this before? It is so true! This new focus will redirect all that mind chatter and especially, the emotions. Getting your feelings into calm is the main event. Once your thinking changes, your emotions follow. At tranquility, feel the flow of good from the Universe!
Self-help/ Reading/ Grow in Knowledge
And of course, self-improvement is constant. I am consistently trying to listen to lectures on YouTube from the late Dr. Wayne Dyer, Mel Robbins, Tony Robbins, Oprah Winfrey and anyone who inspires you. I currently have a big interest in shifting mentality and emotional intelligence so I have been listening to audio books or lectures on my free time.
Making time to read and expanding your knowledge is so important. It’s also a tool to help your mind change. You can always refer back to your reading and go, “well, let’s try this technique Mel Robbins wrote in her book. ”
Last but not least, nature walks. Currently, I am comfortable in my warm abode and stay away from the cold weather. Once the weather improves, I will return to my walks. I love them! The deeper the inner turmoil, the longer I walk. I am fortunate enough to live with green space around me so, I take advantage. I actually miss it. Am I becoming addicted to nature walks?
One last last thing I forgot is to eat nutritious foods. Even if you feel guilty from having a donut, eat an apple anyway or choice of fruit. Healthy foods keeps your mind and body running so, you can work on the tough mental stuff. And drink lots of water throughout the day. I love water!
Anywho, to keep emotions in check:
-Shift thinking, use gratitude to adjust your mindset
-Shifting to a positive mindset opens up to creativity
-Meditate to clear the mind chatter and reduce emotions
-Read, expand knowledge to help shift your thinking
-Nature walks or any exercise activity that helps you release some of that bad energy