Sunday Morning

Summer feeling morning!

Still lost…

I wanted to write about this before. Actually, the day after my last post which was my mother’s day post. Even though I have gone backwards into my negativity, I still see if I have a spark of the law of attraction in me. I happily asked for the Universe for something free. I can do free coffee but I already get free coffee with my dunkin app. So, I asked the Universe, “surprise me because I dont know what I need that can be free”.

Later on that day, I saw my parents for dinner. My mother presented to me a free $20 metrocard to use for public transportation. She received it but she doesn’t use public transportation as much as I do so, she gave it to me.

Wow! The law of attraction is always there.

I just never stay in a positive mode. (Add on: In order to attract more good to you, you have to be in positive mode. You have to be in state of openness which means be open to receiving good.)

A toxic work environment. My mom’s illness. Doing poorly in school but, I am still going to try. Just things just do not work out. All these things plus all the negative stuff going on in the world just keeps me down.

I am trying to reframe my mind.

I am fortunate enough to be able to listen to podcasts while I work. I am trying to reframe my mind but honestly, my powerful negative mind is constantly taking over. It’s a major battle in my head and sometimes, I do get sick of my own mindset.

Why did I allow myself come so far in this negativity? 

If I can reframe my mind and stick to it consistently, maybe I can find some resolution to my issues. Or maybe find a whole new path. I am looking for a better situation yet, I keep myself stuck where I am. 

How come? 

With the end of my semester coming to a close soon. I feel lighter and more free to be honest to go back to my spiritual practice. It’s tough because my surroundings are not helpful to my practice so my internal talk just follows my outside or external influences. This is a lesson in itself.

How do you practice self-love and protect my energy when the external forces brings these bad emotions? These emotions causes these bad thoughts that brings me down.

I am treated poorly lately by those around me. I also get into some negative situations which tells me how my internal world affects my external.

Sometimes, I have decent energy only if I am in the positive mode. I receive positivity back only  if my internal talk is good. My internal world. 

This acknowledgement allows me to revisit my internal world. It signals my brain, “it’s going back again. Your getting negative.” 

I’m trying to remind myself that life shouldn’t be only about my internal world. I believe the negative internal world brought my mom to this mental illness. 

I was embarrassed to name what she has but, here goes: 

She has schizophrenia with delusions. 

She is currently in her own battle. She had a hard life when I was growing up and it angers me that now she is at a comfortable place where she can be free and happy, a mental illness takes that away from her. 

She refuses to leave the house almost as if she is ashamed. She refuses to acknowledge that she has an illness. A denial I seen throughout my life. She always denied so many things. That angers me to. If you do not face things, then how do you overcome them? 

I took advantage this morning to take a walk. Get my energy flowing with nature. Just to help me walk off some frustrations. It feels great! I saw this word, “lost” and it made me think. Here I am writing about it. 

I am still on my quest in life using the law of attraction. My internal world still needs major work in order for my life to change. I haven’t had the energy to push myself outside my comfort zone. I am extremely stubborn. It’s also the reason why my life remains at a plateau. 

If only I can shove myself to start something. Just to leave my comfort zone. 

Thanks for reading! 

Happy Mother’s Day and Life Update

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I have been meaning to write for a while now. I have nothing interesting to write. Nothing motivational to write. I have been very ill shortly after starting my new position. I am currently contemplating quitting my new position becuase the people who work with me are highly toxic. It is hard to stay positive and spiritual when I am around them. Coming back to work reminds me that many people do not practice gratitude, spirituality, positivity and peace. It is actually a reality check. Being unemployed for so long kept me away from the harsh reality of life. I think that was a great thing. Now that I am back, I feel like I am in a different world.

Sometimes, I wonder why I am going through what I am going through. My mother’s mental illness made a turn for the worst as she has been diagnosed with a mental illness. I am not ready to reveal what that is yet. It has been discouraging. Since my illness, I have been having a hard time concentrating on my school work. I am not doing so great as the semester ends. I may end my semester with a C. It makes me realize that school is not for me but, I will continue. I seek to finish school as long as school will have me and my grades will keep me in school. I dropped one class due to my illness. I struggled to keep up with my readings and work full time.

Happy Mother’s Day to those celebrating Mothers.

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A lot of pain with my mom lately. I am struggling with how to help my mother and her mental illness. Perhaps it is associated with her menopause? I wished there was more research I can find on this topic. I am angry at my mom but worried at the same time.

My mother’s mental health change has been going on for some time but, I am not sure why now that there is name to her mental illness, I feel worse. Almost as if I was in denial, but now it is official with her diagnosis.

Currently, I am lacking motivation in my life as well in manifesting. I have to relearn to build inner peace as I work with my outside environment. It is tough. I realize I am more sensitive to the negativity around me than I thought.

Hoping for balance to return….

Listening to the Universe

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I fortunately, have so much free time of late that I have been trying to listen in. I am always in search of my calling. Am I leading myself to my calling? Is there something else I should be doing?

Follow your heart, it knows the way

I recently listened to the audiobook version of Oprah Winfrey’s, “The Path Made Clear”. One message she clearly states is that the Universe is always whispering to you. It is whether you hear it or not. The Universe talks to you in whispers and ignoring this can send your life down. I must admit I have been distracting myself and if I do sense something, maybe I have pushed it aside.

Use of free time

I know this free time is perfect to figure myself out. In between looking for jobs, I am learning about my values. I am learning what I feel is right and not what others tells me is right. This is a wonderful opportunity to continue improving myself. Self-improvement is ongoing. It is nonstop. Growth is a constant thing in life. If you are not growing, you are not really living. Growth is different for everyone.

For me, well, I am still working on that slowly. I realized I still have trust issues from past relations with people. I may have healed some but, I must learn to let new people in when someone comes into my life. This will be tough as I still have some self-doubts.

Maybe the Universe is telling me I still have some more work to do before I am ready for that next job. Is that why I keep getting rejected from the jobs I do want? As the saying goes, rejection is God’s protection.

Where am I being redirected to?

Don’t be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart”

–Roy T. Bennett

if you don’t follow your heart, you might spend the rest of your life wishing you had

Unknown author

Focusing in on Positivity

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Staying clear minded and positive is tough. Winter is here and it has been mostly dark. The last couple days were sunny and beautiful almost as if Spring was teasing a bit. Yesterday was beautiful. I think other people were enjoying it too. Temperatures have been about 10 degrees so, having just one day of warmth and sun is a nice break!

I am home mostly due to Covid, ice cold weather and no where to go. This can take a toll mentally. I would try to read to take my mind off things but, my anxiety would kick in a little bit and take me off my reading.

My diet has been horrible. I am single and lazy so, I just eat the most convenient foods. I do feel crappy after eating this type of diet so, I have to work on that. Maybe it can improve my moods a little.

I can say working on law of attraction is slightly on hold. I am working on keeping my vibrations high so, I can attract just good flow of energy. That is always good. Keeping myself centered is important for my mental health. It keeps the bad thoughts out and keeps my moods from dipping. Another thing is my lack of creativity. How do you learn how to leave your comfort zone when you are mostly home bound? My mind goes blank.

During the Holidays//

Even though, I am working on myself internally, the Universe is sending me love through unexpected situations such as a love interest. I never really had one of these. Or maybe I have never noticed anyone interested in me. My mind normally tells me I am not social enough to date or interesting enough nor pretty enough. However, during the holidays as I was focused on my self-love since no one else seemed to care about me. My brother never said Happy Birthday to me but, he text me Merry Christmas on Christmas day. My parents didn’t want to see me on my birthday or even wanted to celebrate it. I insisted. I wanted to see my parents for my birthday! Since no one cared for me, I cared for myself. I bought flowers for myself even though I was sad. I bought candles to watch holiday hallmark movies in the dark. I am a sucker for Holiday Romance movies.

I could’ve let my dark thoughts take over for the holidays. My birthday is right next to Christmas so, I wanted it to feel nice. I by all means do not think I am special but, it kind of hurt me that not even my family wanted to acknowledge me on my birthday. My negativity took me to all these thoughts that were more harmful than helpful to my self-love. I decided even with my sad emotions to just treat myself anyway. I created a beautiful setting to set up my birthday. I bought myself cake, flowers, snacks for movie night alone and treated myself to breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I think that was the important thing during the holidays. Despite no one cared for me, I decided to think there is someone who does care for me and that is myself. And all of a sudden, on my way home from running to the pharmacy, I see this guy in the neighborhood that I never really cared to notice heading to his car. Actually, where did he come from? He was handsome! We ended up looking at each other. He smiled at me. I looked away quickly and he walked away to his destination. I was so surprised. I was shocked he showed interest my way. Normally, people avoid looking at me and just pass me on the street.

Days later, I see him again. He tries to grab my attention. He was standing near his car and I was walking down his direction. Here comes my mistake, I ignored him because I was in a bad mood. I was thinking he would never stay interested in me anyway once he got to know me. I mean, the world never cared to treat me like I mattered so, maybe he would turn out to be just like everyone else after he got what he wanted. I continued to ignore him even after he continued to wave like crazy.

Why do I see this as a mistake? I had to think about it.

It is interesting how no one cared for me in the world including my family on my birthday but, somehow this guy appears on the day and smiles at me. I was outside gathering all the goods to treat myself and this guys appears. How interesting. I know it sounds silly. But, I do not take these things lightly. I take signs from life and I try to read into them. Sometimes, I read too much into them. I am quite a serious person. I wished I hadn’t ignored him when he was waving at me like a maniac to grab my attention from across the street. Why didn’t I take the chance and say hi?

Dream I had last night//

I wake up not too long ago from a dream I had. Some changes with my family. My little brother is becoming serious with his girlfriend. So, I had a dream that I wasn’t invited to his wedding. His wife-to-be was doing the wedding planning and hired a wedding planner. I confronted the wedding planner because she sent out all the invitations in front of a large group of people at a venue. It appears she was organizing some event at this venue which is why there was all these people. I normally, do not confront people nor confront in a large crowd so, my not being invited really upset me. I am the grooms’ sister, how come? She made up a lie about sending it out in the mail. “Maybe it got lost in the mail,” She said. Yeah, right. Everyone else in my dream got an invitation. So, it was obvious I was excluded. I didn’t go any further. I turn away and start walking out of the venue. That’s when I woke up.

I was in such a terrible mood. Since I woke up straight from the dream, my emotions were real and I felt alone. I felt unwanted because people see no worth in me. It took me an hour to switch my mind into thinking it was just a dream. I have to tell myself even if people around me see no worth in me, I have to believe in myself. Somehow, I just have to believe in myself!

Despite how my life appears to others right now, I choose to stand by myself. This is pretty hard because I also share the view of others. It is easy to see that someone with no job, no ambitions currently, and no husband or kids appears very low to society. Especially in an Asian family, I am the oldest which means the oldest is supposed to be married first. But, it is 2021, who is paying attention to these traditions anyway?

I still stand by myself. A chunk of my young adult life was listening to toxic friends who I followed down a bad path. Currently, making up for that time is rough but, I will only keep faith in myself. This is only the beginning which is what I say to myself. My changes are slow. At times, I wonder if there are any changes at all happening to my life. When I exchanged looks with that guy, well that is something there.

I never thought love would ever appear in my life. Not even a hint of it. It gives me hope even though I may have turned down that hope, haha.

My current mental state is to keep on going. Staying positive can only improve my experiences and help me reach my current goals.

When it rains, look for rainbows. When it’s dark, look for stars.

To not worry about the opinion of others but my own.

Keep faith and hope. For myself and for the world. That things can get better.

(And proper diet and exercise to get through this super cold winter!)

Thank you for reading!

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It’s finally time to break out of the comfort zones! Really!!

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I am surrounded by cozy. A lot of articles say comfort zones can be boring and well, it can be. It is staying in what is safe for you. For me, it is preventing me from changing. Times are tough now with omnicron and winter. So, going anywhere would be difficult unless you have family to travel to visit. That is wonderful. 

My dream right now is to go to a warm sunny Island and away from gloomy cold winter days of New York. People want to be in New York City for New Years. I prefer to be sipping iced tea at a beach! 

One issue is that my comfort zone lies being here in NY. I am afraid to travel because honestly, of my race and how alone I am. That has never stopped anyone. For me, my fears keeps me trapped. Also, I currently am in saving mode since I am still jobless. But, perhaps when I do have the means and things are relaxed a bit from Covid, do I have the will to do it? Travel alone?

I am currently reading up books on comfort zones and law of attraction. I spoke about working on my self-confidence but, I think working on my comforts and breaking out of them would bring up my self-confidence. Things are all connected. And this action would encourage some good changes I am seeking in my life. I can also get away from thinking about my mom and her mental illness for a short while. Am I being too selfish trying to stay clear of her negativity? It would be wonderful if she can come along with me but, she is so negative, she will have 50 reasons not to go. 

Poor mom. 

A good idea is start small by getting the courage to talk to people. Gosh. I fear people and their judgements. I am aware of this but not able to fix this. Pushing myself to do it would be tough. I rather order food through an app than speak my order. Part of this is laziness and mostly I am too “Introverted”. I dislike using these terms you see online such as Pinterest and instagram. People can distort these terms and it becomes a definition different from the traditional definition of a word. So, let’s say I am too shy. Honestly, I’m  a scared person to speak up. 

I have too many comforts!! Sticking to my comfort zones became more intense for me since Covid started. Since leaving my crazy toxic situation, I have been protecting myself inside this cozy bubble of mine. It started with leaving toxic “friends” and then toxic jobs. Now, its as if anything that makes me happy with ease, I will do it with pleasure. The last two years was all about healing and keeping myself “safe”. The issue with this is now I am in the same place and would like a push to where I want to go.

When will I have the courage to start breaking out of them? I do not know? I have been thinking about this all year long. I even wrote a few posts about comfort zones. I didnt review those posts but this one may be possibly similar to them.

I feel my keeping inside my safe zones delays my self improvement. Not that self-improvement has a deadline because it doesn’t. A time frame exists only if you put one on yourself and call it a goal. 

So, do not be like me and challenge yourself to something new and different. Should you make a list of challenges to knock off?  Why not? I don’t have a list but I do have my top 3 comfort zones I would love to break out of. 

My top three comfort zones I need to break:

1)Being comfortable around people and talking to strangers. 

2)Traveling alone

3)Getting past difficulties even when I am very terrible at something. I give up when something is too hard and have lack of support. I give up when I am capable of pulling through. 

Thanks for reading! Feel free to share comfort zones you would like to break out of below. Love any comments. Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!!!! Happy 2022!!!!!!!

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“if you do not like where you are, move. You are not a tree.”

This year…

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Ah December! It is the ending of the year and also my birthday month! Yey!! I had ups and downs this year and struggled. I tried hard not to compare myself to those around me which was hard. I have written a post about being lost at age 37 in which I still do feel this way. I’ve been binge watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix so, not much soul searching, haha.

In which, the show reminded me why I stopped watching so many years ago. I do love the story but, the characters were all way too dramatic. I am a very emotional person and even for me the characters can be over the top but, it made it a good show.

Moving on…

Since it is the end of the year, I have been pondering about my 2021 experience. I have been thinking about my goals I set for myself this year and if I did a good job. Maybe I am being harsh in judging my year this way. I think I had some movements, and definitely had some struggles. It is a slow year for me.

One of my goals this year was to return to school for medical assisting. That didn’t go well at all. One program required an entrance exam because it was competitive. I didn’t get in. I tried a different school with a medical assisting program and that failed too due to lack of registered students. I ended up just going back to school for a bachelor’s degree. I didn’t get in full time as I hoped since I had register issues. When I finally cleared those issues, most of the courses were filled. I had quite a struggle with schooling.

Another goal was to get back into the workforce which was also a fail. I lost job opportunities because I was trying to schedule work around school which employers are not nice about it even though they claim they are. I do not have a professional job so, my options are retail positions or front desk positions. I have to say these jobs are high demand jobs that do not care about your personal life. They pay you low and want you to break your back for them with 5 years of experience. I also dealt with toxic employers which I wrote about in a previous post. I can dedicate another personal post about my job experiences but, I will not. I am keeping it simple. I know so many people have horrible jobs out there so people can relate. Bottom line is working for someone else sucks!

I am still searching for the ‘right job’ but, it has to give me work/life balance so I can work on my personal goals and the employer shouldn’t play mind games. So, not only do bosses want to give you shit pay for all your experience and work you to the bone with 10 hour shifts, 30 minute unpaid breaks, no healthcare benefits or any benefits but, they have to play sick games because their own life is boring. I don’t have time for that! And all bosses think your job is easy. Well, they can do it themselves.

Okay, got a bit emotional there! Maybe letting out some steam will clear out some bitterness.

I am still in quarantine mode since it’s only just me. My class is a hybrid class so, I am mostly at home. I only go out if I need to do errands or groceries. New York is slightly back to normal. Everyone is out and about, going to concerts, bars or movies. I went to target today and I noticed they removed the six feet apart signs. So, slightly back to normal.

Some slight changes. After Target, I went to a grocery store nearby and was treated like a criminal. I had to show my receipt to prove my innocence. I never been so offended in my life!! The cashier still looked at me in disgust as if she knows I stole something but, she can’t prove it. What’s wrong with people? Or do I have a doppelganger they have an image of stealing? I did the passive aggressive thing and went on google to write a bad review about my bad experience. I felt really dirty after the situation.

Maybe I should go back to online purchasing.

Anyway, I have some ups and downs this year. Some good moments and bad ones. My mother’s decline in physical and mental health was another bad one this year. It brought me down a lot. I have been worrying about how to care for her. I have family who watchers her but, her mental decline goes up and down.

It also made me admit to my own mental health. It is not all so great. To be honest, I think I am super sensitive about stuff and take it too personal. So, I can work it out. I’ve thought about therapy but, I’ve done therapy as a teenager. It was a bad experience and do not feel the need or want to go back to therapy. Anytime, I felt sad, my therapist wanted me to go on more pills. The pills did nothing for me except suppress my emotions. This does nothing to help you improve your life. That is a whole other post to write about. I do believe medicine can be of great help in mental health but, not for every person who says they feel sad.

Moving on,

This year could have been better. Maybe I could have done a bit more. Maybe I could’ve gone outside the neighborhood to a museum and be normal. One thing I go back to is how grateful I am to have the support I do have, the home I have, clean water, clean clothes, and any other means to support myself. Maybe I am lost at 37 but, not completely lost. I have a permanent address. I own a computer. I have internet. I have family that still care for me despite my bad past with them. Without all this, I would have nothing. I didn’t satisfy my goals list the way I wanted to but, I did start on some things to better myself. Also, this blog that I had for almost a year. I thought I would have only 5 readers by the end of this year, but I have more than that! A big thank you!

I do not drink alcohol but, if I did, I would have a glass of wine to drink to this. This is a great cause for celebration!

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(P.S. This may not be my last post of the year. So, please expect more from me before the year ends)

Believing in myself is a form of self-love

Nature walk this morning

Keeping myself moving this morning. This weekend was a long one with lots of rain from Hurricane Henri. Thankfully, my part of town wasn’t severely affected.

I am trying to keep my walking consistent. And honestly, my body starts to feel uncomfortable when I am not active. And a walk gets yourself out of your head for a while. This is great for my anxiety.

I am keeping positive as I work on my current goals. I am definitely moving in a positive direction with my mindset. Always remember that things may not align for you. You have to go for it. Thinking of an idea is only an idea until you muster up the courage to go for that goal. Sometimes things fall in line once you do that. It may not be what you are destined for but it is a destination. It is a goal to move toward.

I am starting to understand that better now. Especially with using the Law of Attraction. You can create a vision board but that vision board will just stay an art project until you list out goals to accomplish.

-Have a vision. A vision board. I have a digital vision board. It’s filled with short term and long term goals. I adjust my board as I add new goals. You can even add positive images to uplift your mood.

-List out the goals you are looking forward to achieving based on your vision board. They can be a combination of short term or long term goals. Do not worry about being able to achieve them. Just make a list. You can access what is doable and not later.

-Create an action plan for the smallest goals. The smallest goals can take time. I realized that even small goals do not take 3 days or a week to accomplish. Short goals can take 3 months, 6 months. Patience is key.

-Create an action plan for the longer goals. Even if you are not sure if you can achieve them. This is something you can always come back to down the line. But it’s nice to have it written so you see this goal is something you want to accomplish. Sometimes a nice visual list can assist you in creating your vision if that makes sense. You can do it in your head. However, writing it down makes it feel certain on paper. Your mind processes it as “okay, so this is what I have to do”. I do not make a list but, I write about my goals in my journal. I do it this way because I need to process if this is something I can achieve and all that. I know, I should believe in myself more! This is how I brainstorm.

Long acting goals can be set aside unless you are confident you can achieve it. Then you can add a timeline. If you are not sure if you can achieve these goals. Create shorter ones that help you achieve the longer goals. I am currently working on that now. I am not sure if I’ll get to where I need to go. But I am setting a course of action to get there.

-Action. Start acting on short goals. These are easily to obtain so you start making your move based on your plan. And sometimes things do not work out. All plans are adjustable.

  • Believe in yourself – trusting yourself to achieve what you want to accomplish is a great form of self-love. You want better for yourself. Believe that you can do it. Keep pushing and if the plan doesn’t work out. It can go out of plan and if that is so, than make a plan B. Sometimes, you may have to create another plan as you go. But you stay the course to your goal.

  • another way of showing belief in yourself and in your goals is to act as if you achieved it. Believe that it is possible! For example, If you are thinking about being employed again, create an interview outfit. How would you dress to impress. Make a work bag full of essentials for when you do have to go into the office. Have your work bag ready with your needs so you are set at work. Believe that you will have a job. In the meantime, send out resumes. If one job doesn’t work out, keep sending it. Even if you have to send it out 50 times. This example may be a bit too much but, it’s acting as if you have the goal is what helps you realize the achievement. And maybe in a unexpected moment you may get a call.

-Push yourself and do not give up. It’s always tough but staying in your comfort zone is not going to take you anywhere. Do not be afraid to be uncomfortable. I noticed the what seems so simple is not so simple. With enough consistency, you can get through it. Plus a high amount of patience. If you get frustrated, step back. Take a break. Watch a funny video. When you are ready. Start again.

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I am currently working on believing in myself. This is a new thing because I never did believe in myself. Constantly thinking I can’t “do this”. Sulking in “I can’t do that”. It didn’t lead to anything. Only more heart break. I am slowly shifting out of that.

The Law of Attraction is not exactly as they say it is. In reality it is patience and consistency that leads to where you want to go. Things do not just appear. It is a series of actions that create the end result. Although, the law of attraction is still what it is. If you believe in it, it will be done. Everyday I am constantly learning about the law of attraction and how it applies to my daily life. I am continuing to learn.


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I have nothing but time to move as slow as I need to. To ponder and self-reflect although my reflection is not going anywhere. I used to work fast jobs where being fast drained me. Why did I work so hard at being fast I am not sure. Maybe I wanted to prove that I am worthy of any position I had. I’ve always had a tough time finding positions. Sometimes, I am lucky. And there were times that I was not.

Currently, I am still able to move at my own speed according to my own schedule. I am grateful for that. Being bored is a privilege because a lot of people can’t afford that!

With storms and high humidity, I do lay low on some days and when the weather permits I like to roam around and go to nature. It makes great exercise. To be connected. Sometimes, I feel like I am disconnected. The weather is excellent today and I was glad other people felt that way too because my nature walk included some strangers from my neighborhood. That was comforting. Even though, I have my introverted ways it’s nice to be surrounded by people at times.

I got some wonderful photos from the walk minus the elephant picture. I see these every time I go for a walk but it looks different when I capture it on camera at a close up angle. Helps me be more mindful when I become lost in thought during my walks. Even found some fruit trees which amazed me.

I don’t have any creative outcome from my latest self-reflections and it’s more about whether I have grown or not. I am hoping I have. My mentality is still the same. That negativity is so persistent!!

It is hard to be positive at times when you don’t see any rewarding outcomes. But, I will try to look forward to something positive to appear. That is the best I have right now.

quote from Pinterest:

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step in your life.” – Unknown author

Goal of the day

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The goal is to enjoy every minute of today! If you have the time, slow down and be aware of every movement you do. The joy of cooking. The smell of the grass if you are near greenery, enjoy the sounds of birds, enjoy a favorite beverage, enjoy a favorite snack, maybe write in a journal or art journaling. I hope you get to do something that is the highlight of your day and makes you smile!