Staying clear minded and positive is tough. Winter is here and it has been mostly dark. The last couple days were sunny and beautiful almost as if Spring was teasing a bit. Yesterday was beautiful. I think other people were enjoying it too. Temperatures have been about 10 degrees so, having just one day of warmth and sun is a nice break!
I am home mostly due to Covid, ice cold weather and no where to go. This can take a toll mentally. I would try to read to take my mind off things but, my anxiety would kick in a little bit and take me off my reading.
My diet has been horrible. I am single and lazy so, I just eat the most convenient foods. I do feel crappy after eating this type of diet so, I have to work on that. Maybe it can improve my moods a little.
I can say working on law of attraction is slightly on hold. I am working on keeping my vibrations high so, I can attract just good flow of energy. That is always good. Keeping myself centered is important for my mental health. It keeps the bad thoughts out and keeps my moods from dipping. Another thing is my lack of creativity. How do you learn how to leave your comfort zone when you are mostly home bound? My mind goes blank.
During the Holidays//
Even though, I am working on myself internally, the Universe is sending me love through unexpected situations such as a love interest. I never really had one of these. Or maybe I have never noticed anyone interested in me. My mind normally tells me I am not social enough to date or interesting enough nor pretty enough. However, during the holidays as I was focused on my self-love since no one else seemed to care about me. My brother never said Happy Birthday to me but, he text me Merry Christmas on Christmas day. My parents didn’t want to see me on my birthday or even wanted to celebrate it. I insisted. I wanted to see my parents for my birthday! Since no one cared for me, I cared for myself. I bought flowers for myself even though I was sad. I bought candles to watch holiday hallmark movies in the dark. I am a sucker for Holiday Romance movies.
I could’ve let my dark thoughts take over for the holidays. My birthday is right next to Christmas so, I wanted it to feel nice. I by all means do not think I am special but, it kind of hurt me that not even my family wanted to acknowledge me on my birthday. My negativity took me to all these thoughts that were more harmful than helpful to my self-love. I decided even with my sad emotions to just treat myself anyway. I created a beautiful setting to set up my birthday. I bought myself cake, flowers, snacks for movie night alone and treated myself to breakfast, lunch and dinner.
I think that was the important thing during the holidays. Despite no one cared for me, I decided to think there is someone who does care for me and that is myself. And all of a sudden, on my way home from running to the pharmacy, I see this guy in the neighborhood that I never really cared to notice heading to his car. Actually, where did he come from? He was handsome! We ended up looking at each other. He smiled at me. I looked away quickly and he walked away to his destination. I was so surprised. I was shocked he showed interest my way. Normally, people avoid looking at me and just pass me on the street.
Days later, I see him again. He tries to grab my attention. He was standing near his car and I was walking down his direction. Here comes my mistake, I ignored him because I was in a bad mood. I was thinking he would never stay interested in me anyway once he got to know me. I mean, the world never cared to treat me like I mattered so, maybe he would turn out to be just like everyone else after he got what he wanted. I continued to ignore him even after he continued to wave like crazy.
Why do I see this as a mistake? I had to think about it.
It is interesting how no one cared for me in the world including my family on my birthday but, somehow this guy appears on the day and smiles at me. I was outside gathering all the goods to treat myself and this guys appears. How interesting. I know it sounds silly. But, I do not take these things lightly. I take signs from life and I try to read into them. Sometimes, I read too much into them. I am quite a serious person. I wished I hadn’t ignored him when he was waving at me like a maniac to grab my attention from across the street. Why didn’t I take the chance and say hi?
Dream I had last night//
I wake up not too long ago from a dream I had. Some changes with my family. My little brother is becoming serious with his girlfriend. So, I had a dream that I wasn’t invited to his wedding. His wife-to-be was doing the wedding planning and hired a wedding planner. I confronted the wedding planner because she sent out all the invitations in front of a large group of people at a venue. It appears she was organizing some event at this venue which is why there was all these people. I normally, do not confront people nor confront in a large crowd so, my not being invited really upset me. I am the grooms’ sister, how come? She made up a lie about sending it out in the mail. “Maybe it got lost in the mail,” She said. Yeah, right. Everyone else in my dream got an invitation. So, it was obvious I was excluded. I didn’t go any further. I turn away and start walking out of the venue. That’s when I woke up.
I was in such a terrible mood. Since I woke up straight from the dream, my emotions were real and I felt alone. I felt unwanted because people see no worth in me. It took me an hour to switch my mind into thinking it was just a dream. I have to tell myself even if people around me see no worth in me, I have to believe in myself. Somehow, I just have to believe in myself!
Despite how my life appears to others right now, I choose to stand by myself. This is pretty hard because I also share the view of others. It is easy to see that someone with no job, no ambitions currently, and no husband or kids appears very low to society. Especially in an Asian family, I am the oldest which means the oldest is supposed to be married first. But, it is 2021, who is paying attention to these traditions anyway?
I still stand by myself. A chunk of my young adult life was listening to toxic friends who I followed down a bad path. Currently, making up for that time is rough but, I will only keep faith in myself. This is only the beginning which is what I say to myself. My changes are slow. At times, I wonder if there are any changes at all happening to my life. When I exchanged looks with that guy, well that is something there.
I never thought love would ever appear in my life. Not even a hint of it. It gives me hope even though I may have turned down that hope, haha.
My current mental state is to keep on going. Staying positive can only improve my experiences and help me reach my current goals.
When it rains, look for rainbows. When it’s dark, look for stars.
To not worry about the opinion of others but my own.
Keep faith and hope. For myself and for the world. That things can get better.
(And proper diet and exercise to get through this super cold winter!)
Thank you for reading!