Sunday Morning

Summer feeling morning!

Still lost…


I wanted to write about this before. Actually, the day after my last post which was my mother’s day post. Even though I have gone backwards into my negativity, I still see if I have a spark of the law of attraction in me. I happily asked for the Universe for something free. I can do free coffee but I already get free coffee with my dunkin app. So, I asked the Universe, “surprise me because I dont know what I need that can be free”.

Later on that day, I saw my parents for dinner. My mother presented to me a free $20 metrocard to use for public transportation. She received it but she doesn’t use public transportation as much as I do so, she gave it to me.

Wow! The law of attraction is always there.

I just never stay in a positive mode. (Add on: In order to attract more good to you, you have to be in positive mode. You have to be in state of openness which means be open to receiving good.)

A toxic work environment. My mom’s illness. Doing poorly in school but, I am still going to try. Just things just do not work out. All these things plus all the negative stuff going on in the world just keeps me down.

I am trying to reframe my mind.

I am fortunate enough to be able to listen to podcasts while I work. I am trying to reframe my mind but honestly, my powerful negative mind is constantly taking over. It’s a major battle in my head and sometimes, I do get sick of my own mindset.

Why did I allow myself come so far in this negativity? 

If I can reframe my mind and stick to it consistently, maybe I can find some resolution to my issues. Or maybe find a whole new path. I am looking for a better situation yet, I keep myself stuck where I am. 

How come? 

With the end of my semester coming to a close soon. I feel lighter and more free to be honest to go back to my spiritual practice. It’s tough because my surroundings are not helpful to my practice so my internal talk just follows my outside or external influences. This is a lesson in itself.

How do you practice self-love and protect my energy when the external forces brings these bad emotions? These emotions causes these bad thoughts that brings me down.

I am treated poorly lately by those around me. I also get into some negative situations which tells me how my internal world affects my external.

Sometimes, I have decent energy only if I am in the positive mode. I receive positivity back only  if my internal talk is good. My internal world. 

This acknowledgement allows me to revisit my internal world. It signals my brain, “it’s going back again. Your getting negative.” 

I’m trying to remind myself that life shouldn’t be only about my internal world. I believe the negative internal world brought my mom to this mental illness. 

I was embarrassed to name what she has but, here goes: 

She has schizophrenia with delusions. 

She is currently in her own battle. She had a hard life when I was growing up and it angers me that now she is at a comfortable place where she can be free and happy, a mental illness takes that away from her. 

She refuses to leave the house almost as if she is ashamed. She refuses to acknowledge that she has an illness. A denial I seen throughout my life. She always denied so many things. That angers me to. If you do not face things, then how do you overcome them? 

I took advantage this morning to take a walk. Get my energy flowing with nature. Just to help me walk off some frustrations. It feels great! I saw this word, “lost” and it made me think. Here I am writing about it. 

I am still on my quest in life using the law of attraction. My internal world still needs major work in order for my life to change. I haven’t had the energy to push myself outside my comfort zone. I am extremely stubborn. It’s also the reason why my life remains at a plateau. 

If only I can shove myself to start something. Just to leave my comfort zone. 

Thanks for reading! 

This year…

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Ah December! It is the ending of the year and also my birthday month! Yey!! I had ups and downs this year and struggled. I tried hard not to compare myself to those around me which was hard. I have written a post about being lost at age 37 in which I still do feel this way. I’ve been binge watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix so, not much soul searching, haha.

In which, the show reminded me why I stopped watching so many years ago. I do love the story but, the characters were all way too dramatic. I am a very emotional person and even for me the characters can be over the top but, it made it a good show.

Moving on…

Since it is the end of the year, I have been pondering about my 2021 experience. I have been thinking about my goals I set for myself this year and if I did a good job. Maybe I am being harsh in judging my year this way. I think I had some movements, and definitely had some struggles. It is a slow year for me.

One of my goals this year was to return to school for medical assisting. That didn’t go well at all. One program required an entrance exam because it was competitive. I didn’t get in. I tried a different school with a medical assisting program and that failed too due to lack of registered students. I ended up just going back to school for a bachelor’s degree. I didn’t get in full time as I hoped since I had register issues. When I finally cleared those issues, most of the courses were filled. I had quite a struggle with schooling.

Another goal was to get back into the workforce which was also a fail. I lost job opportunities because I was trying to schedule work around school which employers are not nice about it even though they claim they are. I do not have a professional job so, my options are retail positions or front desk positions. I have to say these jobs are high demand jobs that do not care about your personal life. They pay you low and want you to break your back for them with 5 years of experience. I also dealt with toxic employers which I wrote about in a previous post. I can dedicate another personal post about my job experiences but, I will not. I am keeping it simple. I know so many people have horrible jobs out there so people can relate. Bottom line is working for someone else sucks!

I am still searching for the ‘right job’ but, it has to give me work/life balance so I can work on my personal goals and the employer shouldn’t play mind games. So, not only do bosses want to give you shit pay for all your experience and work you to the bone with 10 hour shifts, 30 minute unpaid breaks, no healthcare benefits or any benefits but, they have to play sick games because their own life is boring. I don’t have time for that! And all bosses think your job is easy. Well, they can do it themselves.

Okay, got a bit emotional there! Maybe letting out some steam will clear out some bitterness.

I am still in quarantine mode since it’s only just me. My class is a hybrid class so, I am mostly at home. I only go out if I need to do errands or groceries. New York is slightly back to normal. Everyone is out and about, going to concerts, bars or movies. I went to target today and I noticed they removed the six feet apart signs. So, slightly back to normal.

Some slight changes. After Target, I went to a grocery store nearby and was treated like a criminal. I had to show my receipt to prove my innocence. I never been so offended in my life!! The cashier still looked at me in disgust as if she knows I stole something but, she can’t prove it. What’s wrong with people? Or do I have a doppelganger they have an image of stealing? I did the passive aggressive thing and went on google to write a bad review about my bad experience. I felt really dirty after the situation.

Maybe I should go back to online purchasing.

Anyway, I have some ups and downs this year. Some good moments and bad ones. My mother’s decline in physical and mental health was another bad one this year. It brought me down a lot. I have been worrying about how to care for her. I have family who watchers her but, her mental decline goes up and down.

It also made me admit to my own mental health. It is not all so great. To be honest, I think I am super sensitive about stuff and take it too personal. So, I can work it out. I’ve thought about therapy but, I’ve done therapy as a teenager. It was a bad experience and do not feel the need or want to go back to therapy. Anytime, I felt sad, my therapist wanted me to go on more pills. The pills did nothing for me except suppress my emotions. This does nothing to help you improve your life. That is a whole other post to write about. I do believe medicine can be of great help in mental health but, not for every person who says they feel sad.

Moving on,

This year could have been better. Maybe I could have done a bit more. Maybe I could’ve gone outside the neighborhood to a museum and be normal. One thing I go back to is how grateful I am to have the support I do have, the home I have, clean water, clean clothes, and any other means to support myself. Maybe I am lost at 37 but, not completely lost. I have a permanent address. I own a computer. I have internet. I have family that still care for me despite my bad past with them. Without all this, I would have nothing. I didn’t satisfy my goals list the way I wanted to but, I did start on some things to better myself. Also, this blog that I had for almost a year. I thought I would have only 5 readers by the end of this year, but I have more than that! A big thank you!

I do not drink alcohol but, if I did, I would have a glass of wine to drink to this. This is a great cause for celebration!

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Cheers!

(P.S. This may not be my last post of the year. So, please expect more from me before the year ends)

Moving forward in acceptance



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What a lovely morning after a full moon night. I saw the moon round and bright last night! I had the perfect view of it. I had the clearest view outside my window! Usually, I don’t like full moons because my former friends would use it as an opportunity to create more “challenges” to collect my money. Traditionally, the full moon means crazy things happening. I guess symbolically they thought this was funny. That was one giveaway that had me think their “scheme” was fake and not real. Anyway, moving on.

Yesterday, I had a feeling of new energy. New beginnings rising. Not from staring out my window at the full moon but I feel it as a nice feeling of something new arriving. I am looking forward to it. It’s nice to have this feeling of hope inside. I have been so negative but I am learning to accept what I can and can not control on my life. 

Letting go and realizing you can’t control things in life is hard. I’m so used to worrying and creating false stress for myself that this new skill in “acceptance” is a tough one. 

Acceptance is not going against the occurrences in your life. It is about realizing that not everything will go your way and that is okay. Life is tough. Life is full of people, things and events that can alter an outcome of something in your life. Accept all that arrives in your life. Any decision you make should help you forward to your end goal whichever it may be. However, any negativity or thought that keeps you from your happiest is resistance. Release all negative, sad, depressing, critical thoughts. Live in the moment. 

Stop and sit for a second. What is happening around you right now? That is your current moment. Live in the moment and make proper decisions to move forward. Is it time to make breakfast? Go cook it up in the kitchen! Is it time to take out the garbage? Go deal with that stinky mess! Are you currently unwinding with a book? Enjoy your reading for the 30 minutes you give to your book. 

Yes, there is stress that will come in. The news talks about food shortages all over the nation and possible fears of shortages for the holidays. I can fall into the fear or I can check out the reality. Walk around my favorite stores. Do I see any shortages? Thankfully, my stores are stocked with the basics that I need and that is enough! 

I can worry about the hike in food prices and any product sold in stores for that matter but, I can be smart about my money! Creating a list of necessary items and items that I want for the sake of wanting. And looking at my budget. The decision to prep myself will save me stress. 

Speaking of buying, I just bought myself an Amazon Kindle Fire which went on an early Black Friday sale. I couldn’t help it. I have been wanting a tablet for so long. I can read my ebooks and magazines online in convenience. I made this decision since I saw a sale, I decided to go for it. Right now, I have the budget to go do it. I love technology upgrades! Energy draining for the environment but, I will try to conserve! 

This decision also has been made because in the past I was prevented from getting things I wanted because I “owed” money to my manipulative “friends”. This purchase makes me happy. No one can manipulate me now! I own power to what I can and can not do! It’s an exciting freedom! Choosing to be in my own power feels great. 

Not everything is perfect for me and there are still people trying to use manipulation to get to me but, I can choose to give my energy into it or choose to block it out of my life. My intention will be seen with my actions. Looking back, I fell into the manipulation of alot of people including old bosses who use me and this shall be no more. It is so subtle that I easily fall into it. People can be tricky tricksters to get what they want! I am learning to recognize it and either I chose to confront it or I can chose and just drop it and move on. This is a new thing I will get into. I am not perfect at it yet. But, practice makes perfect! 

I release the old and look forward to the new! My happiness will be managed moving forward. I intend to become aware in my thoughts and change out my negative thoughts into positive ones. Thanks for reading! 

Clearing away challenges

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Just when you think it’s over a new challenge pops up. I have been going through my days with anxiety lately. I even feed my anxiety with caffeine which creates a bigger ball of anxiety in my chest. I know how caffeine works for me which is not good and I still go for that cup of coffee. It just smells so good! The smell of delicious coffee is so addicting for me.

My problems always seem to be minor or as my family sees it, I dig myself in this hole. Then, I must do it daily to myself. I have a beautiful day and then a challenging following day. Makes me think how I should enjoy the better days more! My family sees me as a screw up which is understandable but, it keeps me from turning to them for help.

So, I challenge myself to go through this alone.

Okay not really, I tried to turn to someone else for advice but, that failed. It is my life and I should make my own choice. This is a good lesson for me to learn how deal with difficulties with confidence. Mentally, I am thinking, “Gosh, why do I have to deal with this?

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Taking nature walks to clear my head. This cold weather makes it harder to go outside for walks. I love walks because it is exercise and getting out the house clears away my negative thoughts. I still try to make it outside before the weather hits 20 degrees. I have to push myself to get out the door. I tell myself that it will help me mentally.

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My next anxiety attack came on this evening. So, I decided to meditate to keep my anxiety from getting worse. Breathing exercises does amazing things in calming the mind. I did a 10 minute breathing exercise to bring me back to a relaxed state. I also hope, as I do this breathing exercise, I can find some wisdom to handle my current challenge.

What is this challenge? Another manipulative old boss contacting me regarding some old business. He was worse than the boss I recently quit. Is there a relation between the two? Hmm. He took advantage of his power and tried to manipulate me. One thing I hate about telling people I have no kids and no husband is that people think I am an open case for easy manipulation. I have to admit, I opened myself up to this type of behavior in the past.

In other words, I allowed it.

He tried to get what he wanted which was try to wrap me around his finger. I am not into confrontation or a good talker for that matter so, I prefer to stay away. But, two years later, he tries to do it again through an email. Well, this this I have to drop the “business” and let it go. I do not want what you have to offer if you want to play games for me to get it. That means I am better off without this “business”.

That is my decision. Moving forward, my life is about having good things come into my life. This is a lesson on what is important to me and what is not. I am looking to attract better. Not these manipulative people seeking to hook onto to someone who they perceive as “weak”. I have alot of these types of people come into my life which is showing me to change all of that. I consistently bring in this energy. I am not looking for it yet, it continues to come to me.

I am looking for articles online and books on anything to change this energy. Let’s bring better.

Back to the beginning: Refocusing my negativity to positivity

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My focus as late has been on getting back into the workforce. I didn’t focus too hard because my main priority was getting myself out of a negative loop again. My brain really likes to make me miserable. Well, I see where it takes me and that is not the direction I wish to go anymore. So, I am actively motivating myself to switch out of this mindset.

I had some setbacks that sort of put me in a bad mood for a while. I binged on netflix to try to drawn it out. While it was fun, I had to address the main issue. My emotions. I went back into meditation. I have to ground myself again. No more binging on netflix.

The hardest thing about being at your lowest point in life is breaking out of that negativity. I am back to where I was a year ago. I am full of negative thoughts telling me I am not worthy of a better job and any other negative beliefs.

So, I took action. I created a gratitude journal and a affirmations journal. I bought separate books to create them. One book for gratitude and one book for affirmations. As a daily exercise, I work on both books. At least 15 minutes to work on them. If I am feeling extra negative, I take longer to work on the books.

Some of the gratitude I wrote down reminded me of how blessed I still am. It may not put the negativity away immediately but, the more I listed of what I was grateful for, the more I was present and the more I became at ease. Its an excellent way of getting out of the mind (especially my mind) and reminding myself I am at peace around me. Being present is the best way to keep away from the negativity.

My affirmations journal is my physical way of shifting my negative thoughts out of my mind. I enter positive ones by repeatedly writing affirmations. Sometimes I create my own and sometimes I just copy affirmations from google searches. Repeating affirmations out loud wasn’t helping me. So, I changed the method on how I repeated affirmations.

It seemed to work. Meanwhile, I submitted resumes to places I felt I was qualified for. I randomly did it even though, I may not get a reply.

I was amazed this week to find a message from an employer asking me to go in for an interview. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out which is fine because during the interview, I felt management and I will not work well together. I had jobs in the past where management was horrible. No support. My management only took advantage of my work ethic. My coworkers as well. They would slack off because they knew I would do the work. I am no longer interested in toxic environments. Even during these tough times, I am going to be careful in my selection. This interview that I stressed out for reminded me of those old times at work. When you are the little guy at a company, you are expected to put out hard work without complaints. You are thrown multiple tasks to complete and expected to meet demands at top speed for minimum dollar. According to management, you are paid top dollar. If you do not meet the demands, you are “lazy”. If you do meet the demands, you are “expendable”. You are damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. I feel this is toxic. I can do the work, but I feel differently about that now. Maybe I am just reliving bitterness from old jobs. Regardless, I would like to change that.

My new manifesting objective is to manifest supportive and an awesome management team and coworkers. I am thankful of that interview because it reminded me that right now I am not interested in how many dollars I make. I am interested in the team I am surrounded by and the type of workplace environments I am looking for. Then the dollar is next.

Anyone manifesting career or work, I hope you are blown away by the awesome work you find or opportunities you find. Everyone deserves a better career path that supports them in every way.

To sum it up, my affirmations journal is my amazing helper as of late. Anyone else feeling negative, I suggest journal exercises. It’s an amazing way to focus your mind. It helps you focus your thoughts and purposely direct your thoughts. I have even been trying art journaling but, I am lacking the resources to be creative. So, I only create normal journals. For example, looking for material like magazines to create collages in my books. I am working on that.

To leave the negative mindset:

  1. Ground yourself. Be present and meditate. Stay calm and focus your mind. Stay focused even when things are out of your control. A focused mind helps you be creative.

2. Be thankful. Create a journal where you write 3-5 things you are grateful for during your day.

3. Repeat affirmations or create an affirmations journal. Journaling is a awesome exercise to help you out of a negative mind. It helps you focus your thought. It is a very effective tool.

My actual journals

4. It can be tough but, trust that the Universe will provide the best to you. Stay calm and know that better is on your way to you. The more you focus on this and trust it, the more it arrives. You can also listen to gratitude meditations. Shift your emotions towards positive even when things are not always great.

Reminding myself to keep my vibes up

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I am unsure why but, when I saw this image, I had that song from those old folders commercials. “A great part of waking up is folgers in a cup”. I think that is how the lyric goes.

I am cheesy. I know.

Why is it that it is easier for some to be positive? Maybe because there is something in the thought of the question that is negative in itself? It is the mind that holds the power to set the tone of your mindset. Don’t do it to yourself and be negative. You can choose to be positive or negative.

This is something I am reminding myself today.

Earlier in the day, I was feeling negative again. Sure, automatically, I feel sad or negative for certain reasons. I shouldn’t stay in this mindset.

How to be happy today: (And repeat it for the next day. Why not?)

-A delicious cup of coffee or tea to start the day. I have been trying to decrease my caffeine intake yet, it only makes me crave it stronger. So, I am allowing myself to have it.

– A walk/Exercise- I took my usual walk outside. It has been hot the last couple days. I took my walk anyway. It beats brooding at home. I did a 15 minute walk. It is so meditative for me because I hear the birds sing in the trees. Staying in the shade helps me stay out there longer. I do have the time to do that right now. I am trying to enjoy every minute of it while I still can.

-Affirmations- While I took my walk I repeated affirmations until I felt better. It helps me shift out of the sad mindset. I try not to have my phone out during my walks but, its hard to keep it away. I had it out and looked up affirmations to repeat while savoring every moment in nature.

-Manifest and stay motivated- At the park, I wrote in my manifestation journal. Yes, I have a manifestation journal. It is something I started for this year to keep myself motivated. Who knows? Maybe one of my manifestations will come to life. I’ve seen some things I manifested come to life already. It is always when you least expect it. It is the best thing being surprised by the Universe!!

– Meditation- Simple easy meditation can just be to look at the trees and focus on the breath. Even if its 5 minutes, it rejuvenates the mind. Being in the moment. Not letting your thoughts run. Tune it out. Let it go. Still working on the letting go.

-Hydration- Since summer is almost here, extra water. Especially, a delicious cup of cold water on a hot day. Just freshens the mind!

Have a fantastic day!

Feeling Wave of Negativity


I must have a obsession with negativity. I’ve been riding this wave of feeling sad, anxious emotions and exhausted energy which may be generated from the sadness.

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I am learning to accept these changes as my current life. There are some changes that I am not comfortable with. That is what change is. Getting out the comfort zone! Perseverance is essential here. Keeping your chin up. I’ve seen the saying, “Chin up, buttercup”. Or is it keep your head held high? There is that negative side of me that thinks if you hold your chin up too high your head will hurt.

Reading the news gives me more anxiety so I have been trying not to read it often. Maybe once a week so I am at least up-to-date on current events. Every time I turn on the news, there’s only destruction, hate, anger, death, and nothing good. It’s better off I read the news rather than watch. Watching it live makes it more intense for me.

In fact, I’ve unplugged my tv most of covid. Just lots of YouTube and Netflix to keep me company.

In New York restrictions are slowly being lifted but when that happens chaos will start before things slowly turn normal. As if things are not chaotic enough. Maybe I am glad I am still at home. I think staying away from the city is better for me.

To stay away from negativity, I am trying to stay grounded. I am not going to lose hope. There will be a time for me again. Maybe I am just needing more time to heal. Knowing myself once I integrate back into the world I will want to be home again away from hussle and chaos.

Away from angry people. Away from crowds. Away from loud noise.

I am loving the slow life. I feel like my soul needs it at this time in my life. I am going up there in age. I don’t need that fast life anymore.

In New York, people want things done fast. Getting a slice of pizza, getting a prescription, shopping, ordering food. Where are you in a hurry to? Even during covid. No thanks. Take your time. Just don’t forget me and my order 🙂

In actuality, I am happy with being home. I get free time to go on walks whenever I want and however long I want it to be! Just some other changes that create worry for me. But it is just riding the wave. I am letting it happen. Trying to let go of my expectations of any outcomes. And let life happen. Of course, here and there I will take some action but the rest, I have to let it go. Which is still hard for me. Cheers to letting go!

Limiting Beliefs

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In the last couple weeks, I have time to reflect on the Law of Attraction and my journey. After all, this site is about the Law of Attraction. It’s a journey to manifesting the best life. My best life is my true calling. I haven’t found it yet. Last year was about going through some emotional healing with my past and what it means to be comfortable with myself.

After coming out of that healing, I still have emotions that are not completely healed however, I am better. I am at the point where I can start making some changes into my life.

There are affirmations which I have been using throughout my self-healing journey. I used positive energy frequencies to guide me into the journey. The strength I received from affirmations and energy frequencies lead me to rid of the people who were not aligned to my new journey of healing old wounds and self-discovery. Instead, the people were hurting it. They were blocking me. So, I needed strength to let them go.

In the beginning it was difficult because I felt I needed to be in people’s shadow in order to grow my life. Instead, I let them lead me to the wrong path in life. Removing these people was a necessary step that I achieved. Emotionally, I was hurt for many months because of the betrayal and the lies I was lead to believe. In this hurt, I learned that I needed to figure out my strengths through my weaknesses so, I can lead my life by myself.

This is where I am at this point of my self journey. It is not a comfortable journey because this is something I am doing on my own. I have ups and downs but, I am keeping myself afloat which is rough. I am not going to lie about it. I opt to do this on my own because I need to learn how to rely on myself. I am used to be so unsure of myself and ignore my own opinions. I used to take on the opinions of others. This is a lesson to teach myself how to listen to my inner voice. I think your inner voice is crucial in a self-guided journey. Your higher self and only yourself wants the best for you. Why would you ignore your own voice?

It can be tough with pressures from family and friends to be a certain way and even social media displaying a certain way of life as the ideal way of living. The key to live the ideal life is what makes you comfortable and most of all, happy. This is the importance of a self-journey. What suits you and what makes you happy. You can be rich and still be unhappy. So, true happiness is what makes your soul light up.

So, in that note, I am continuously improving my mental attitude constantly. How does it relate to the law of attraction? Before going on rituals to attract the best life, the foundation of using the Law of Attraction is like attracts like. The good things you seek in life are at a higher vibration and to become that vibration is to match that higher vibration. Mental attitude is key.

A conflict in vibing higher are limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs stems from past experiences. It can be from childhood. It can be from a previous relationship. It can be from your parents. If you have alot of negative ones like me, these beliefs are hard to remove out of your system. This is my current struggle. I’ve removed alot of my past negativity but, I still have alot of it in my system.

The solution to removing limiting beliefs is to practice being positive. Spring is here so on good weather days, take walks and get the body moving. I instantly vibe higher once I stop sitting around moping about how negative I am.

The body needs water and good nutritious foods to power it so, lots of fruits and veggies. I have been working on this for the past month. I even bought myself a blender to make my own nut milks and smoothies.

I do guided meditations because it assists in visioning your ideal day or an ideal feeling you want to achieve that moment. The better your visualization skills, the better the results.

Sometimes visualizing is a harder thing for me. I love pinterest for this because its a great aid in getting the proper imagery for a vision board. You can use a vision board to practice visualization.

And of course, positive self-talk is a necessary classic. Affirmations will ways be on top of the list when it comes to removing limiting beliefs. I go back to it even when I lead astray from what I call my “positive” training.

So, get positive and vibrate higher. If you fall off the wagon, get back up and start over. No big deal. The idea is to continue the good vibes! Law of Attraction will follow because like attracts like. Enough practice can remove limiting beliefs or make them smaller. If you are like me, the journey is a long one but, a good one. Have good intentions and goals, you will always be motivated!

Happy Journey!